- Paul advises Lucy that she should sign a contract with Chris before they enter into parenthood
- Nate tells Chris and Lucy that they each need a firm idea of what to expect from the arrangement
- Lauren tells Matt that they've got initial bank approval for a loan to buy No 32
- Lou doubts whether the Turners can afford a mortgage given how quiet Harold's Store is
- Lou poaches Sheila's handsome new barman Andres to work at Harold's, and she declares war
Lauren is signing bank papers for their purchase of No 32, but Matt isn't looking so enthusiastic. He says they've never owed so much money before. She jokes that he can't back out now, and he insists he doesn't want to.
MATT: Tell me you're happy?
LAUREN: Yeah. Of course I am. Owning this house has been out of our reach for so long.
Matt thanks Lauren for getting on board with buying the house, and they kiss. Lauren says Matt can give her a lift to work on his way to the bank to hand in the papers.
Chris admits to Nate that he's surprised himself at how strong his opinions are about aspects of his baby with Lucy's future life. Chris says he wants the child to benefit from his experiences, not just Lucy's.
Lucy has a Parallel Whinge™ to Lauren about the situation, admitting that she had a perhaps selfish idea that she'd be able to call all the shots about their baby's life. Lucy's annoyed that Paul suggested a contract in the first place, as that's what dredged all this up.
Nate tells Chris the contract is a positive thing, as everyone will know where they stand. But Chris is worried there are more surprises in store.
Lauren tells Lucy it's good she and Chris are addressing these baby issues now, so there aren't any nasty surprises later.
LUCY: Of course. Like if I meet someone. I mean, Nate pointed out it could happen...
Chris and Nate move onto the same territory.
CHRIS: What if some guy does come along? He sweeps Lucy off her feet, starts throwing his weight around. And my kid starts calling him Dad.
Chris tells Nate he knows he wants to be more than just a donor - which is why, Nate says, he needs to define his role now.
Lauren says it sounds like Nate was being negative, and asks if he might have been projecting his own issues about parenthood - reminding Lucy it's not for everyone.
Susan is looking at the food menu, and remarks to Sheila that it's changed.
SHEILA: Yes. You can blame that on that snake, Lou Carpenter. He stole our barman.
SUSAN: Well that's not such a bad thing; he was terrible at his job.
SHEILA: Yeah, but he was gorgeous - the women were flocking in! Mind you, he was costing us more in broken glasses than wages.
Sheila explains that she got the chef to whip up a trendy, pricier new 'organic Fairtrade' menu to help boost sales, but admits she doesn't really understand what many of the ingredients are. Lou comes in, 'waving a white flag' and explaining that Harold's has had to let Andres go.
LOU: Putting him in charge of the coffee machine was a mistake. We nearly had to call the fire brigade.
SHEILA: Ah, well that's karma for you, Buddha.
Susan orders a mountain loaf with a side order of labneh, which piques Lou's curiosity about the new menu. He jokes that half the dishes' names are made up, but Sheila says the new menu has already garnered rave reviews online.
SHEILA: People are loving it. So much better than the muck that you serve at Harold's. You are going to have your business drop right off when they hear about us!
Susan struggles to keep a straight face, as Sheila rushes off to find out if the chef can translate her order.
Back at base, Lou enlists the help of Bailey to bring up the glowing reviews at The Waterhole, and they quickly conclude that Sheila has written most of them herself!
BAILEY (reading): 'Love the sophisticated new menu, not like the other downmarket places in the Complex... Fabulous staff, especially the friendly curvy blonde.'
Declaring Sheila a 'jezebel', Lou decides that two can play at that game, and requisitions Bailey's smartphone in order to post some comments of his own. But he can't get the website to load, so he tries to get an unwilling Bailey to do his dirty work for him.
LOU: You want your mum and dad to meet their house repayments, don't you?
Bailey reluctantly gets to work. Meanwhile, Paige is teasing Matt and Lauren about all the cars, parties and clothes her newfound riches will be financing once they buy the house from the kids. But then she reveals the kids are actually putting the money in a six-month deposit account, giving them more time to work out what to do with it. Lauren and Matt are impressed by their maturity, and Matt heads to the bank with the documents. Back at Lou and Bailey's table, Lou is dictating a review of The Waterhole for Bailey to post online.
LOU: 'And when you walk into The Waterhole, you will wonder if you're walking into a toilet. And if you eat the seafood, you'll begin to wish you had.'
Lucy calls round to see Nate in a bit of a tizz. She asks him if he's 100% supportive of Chris's decision to father her child, or whether he's just trying to persuade Chris that the whole idea is too difficult. Nate insists the issues he raised were important ones; he's not trying to stand in Chris's way. Lucy adds that Nate's mention of her potentially meeting someone seemed designed to spook Chris.
NATE: Sorry, but if you don't think you need to consider something like that, then maybe you're deluded.
LUCY: I have thought long and hard about this!
NATE: Well not hard enough. And if you don't place all of your cards on the table now, there's gonna be problems down the track. I'm not saying this for me - I'm saying this for you guys. For the kid. Isn't that what this is all about?
Lucy admits that Nate is right, and says she's glad they talked, before leaving.
Paige is telling Lou and Bailey that the house sale is set to go through this afternoon, when Sheila bursts in and demands Lou remove his mean online comments about The Waterhole! Lou tries to deny responsibility.
SHEILA: Oh, please, I wasn't born yesterday!
LOU: I think that's obvious.
Sheila points out that Lou's post used the word 'sunshine', thus incriminating him! Lou insists he wouldn't know how to use such a website, leading Sheila to immediately conclude that Bailey helped him. As Bailey makes a poor attempt to hide behind Lou and Paige, Paige sticks her oar in too, and tells Sheila there's nothing wrong with healthy competition! Sheila tells them they're all alike, and are about to learn not to mess with a Canning...
Lucy comes in to meet Chris, and apologises for not asking his opinions about the baby earlier, and says that if he wants to be more heavily involved in the child's life, that's fine by her. Chris says he doesn't want to just turn up a couple of times a year - he wants to be properly involved, and for the kid to know that they can call him if they need him.
Lucy offers to get paperwork drawn up which will give them equal rights as parents, and says that if she meets someone she won't ever let him cut Chris out. She admits Nate was the one who got her to see how important it was to sort these things out, and says he's a really good guy.
LUCY: How about we talk about baby names? How do you feel about Aloysius?
Sheila is in her wheelchair, handing discount coupons to all the customers eating outside at Harold's, in an attempt to poach them for The Waterhole! Paige comes out and confronts her about the bad review she's just left about Harold's - Sheila retorts that she's giving as good as she got. Paige tells her to do it elsewhere.
PAIGE: This is our turf!
SHEILA: Says who?
PAIGE: Says the whacking big sign on the window!
But Sheila's not budging, so Paige starts wheeling her away, while Sheila screams to attract the attention of the punters. Paige tells them all that she's joking.
SHEILA: Help me! Somebody, please! Is this the way you treat disabled people at Harold's?
PAIGE: You are not disabled! She can walk - she's only using this thing for sympathy! Look!
And to demonstrate her point to the customers, Paige just tips Sheila out of the wheelchair and onto the floor! At first she thinks she's hurt her and apologises, but Sheila starts loudly complaining about her heart to attract further sympathy.
PAIGE: Oh, you wouldn't! This is low even for you!
SHEILA: Oh, the pain! The pain!
PAIGE: Fine. You win. You are a disgrace. Guys, she's fine - sit down.
Sheila stands up.
SHEILA: Happy hour between five and six! Just walk this way!
She walks off, as the customers look bemused.
Erinsborough Police Station
Matt talks to Snr Sgt Frost about why he's not down for any overtime this week. Frost explains the top brass is cutting back on overtime for budgetary reasons. Matt says he's just bought a house and was counting on the extra income to make the repayments, so Frost suggests Matt should consider getting a second job if he needs extra cash.
Lou and Paige have come in for dinner, and to advance the next stage of their turf war against Sheila - Lou having proclaimed Paige a proper member of the clan. Paige grins, and drops a sticking plaster into her food.
PAIGE (loudly): Oh, ew! There's a used band-aid in my tofu chawanmushi!
LOU: That's hardly organic!
Sheila rushes over, then sees it's Paige and Lou, and tells the customers to ignore them, as they're from the competition. But their ploy seems already to be having the desired effect on the other customers, and Paige and Lou creep away, leaving Sheila fuming!
Chris comes round to thank Nate for what he said to Lucy, revealing that she's now letting Chris have a say in all aspects of the baby's life, and that they're going to draw up a contract which they'd like Nate's input in. Nate tells him that the baby stuff may not have been what he signed up for, but that they're in this together. Chris hugs him happily.
Sheila comes in with a box in her arms, and creeps into the kitchen. There's a mouse in the box, and she deliberately lets it loose in the kitchen! But Lauren catches her in the act and is horrified!
SHEILA: Lou started it.
Shortly afterwards, Lauren has Lou, Paige and Sheila lined up behind the counter, and starts tearing strips off them.
LAUREN: I can't believe how far you let this get!
LOU: Well in our defence -
LAUREN: You are three grown adults, acting like a bunch of stupid, silly schoolkids.
LOU: I was only doing it to help the business!
SHEILA: And I have a right to some payback!
PAIGE: Oh, is that what you call stealing our customers?
SHEILA: You stole our hot barman!
LOU: So you gave us a mouse!
Lauren shuts them all up, and tells them to stop this nonsense and apologise to each other; Off Air may be doing well, but there are plenty of customers to go round. They apologise grudgingly at first, but Lauren tells them to sound like they mean it! Once that's out of the way, Lauren announces that the two businesses are going to join forces to set up a stall for the Erinsborough Festival, with wine from The Waterhole and cheese from Harold's. They start to complain, but Lauren cuts them off.
LAUREN: It'll be great publicity for both our businesses, and a wonderful bonding exercise to ensure a debacle like this never happens again!!
Everyone looks contrite.
Lucy and Chris are discussing their child's education, and seem to be compromising well - until Chris tries to insist the kid be enrolled in an AFL team, and Lucy makes clear AFL's lack of popularity in New York, and her dislike of contact sports. Nate opines that being part of a team would be good for the kid, so Lucy promises to consider it. They all laugh.
Matt is gazing pensively at No 32, and Susan asks if he's thinking of repainting. He admits he and Lauren are buying the house, but expresses some vague doubts that they're doing the right thing. Susan says she's not a money expert, but says that there's something very special about owning your own home.
SUSAN: Especially here.
MATT: Ramsay Street?
Susan admits that when her son Mal wanted her and Karl to go and live in London, they couldn't do it, as they love living here.
MATT: It is the whole package. Close to everything, leafy, quiet...
SUSAN: And don't forget your great neighbours. I can't imagine living anywhere else. Buying here is the best thing that Karl and I ever did.
Matt comes in, to find Paige on the phone to the lawyer, confirming the sale of the house. Matt asks to talk to Lauren for a second - but before he can say anymore, the lawyer tells Paige the sale has gone through. She, Lauren, Bailey and Lou all cheer and celebrate, but Matt looks worried. He tries to say something again, but Lauren interrupts him with a kiss, and thanks him for making this happen. Bailey also gives Matt a present - a vacuum flask to keep him company on all those 'long nights of overtime' he'll be doing to pay for the mortgage.
LAUREN: Are you happy, darling?
MATT: Of course. It's a dream come true.
They all take a glass of champagne and raise a toast to 'home, sweet home'. Matt downs his glass in one, and looks worried.
- Paige, Amber and Imogen decide to throw a party in the No 32 back garden
- Josh and Daniel turn up, in slow motion...
- As does Mark, much to Naomi's delight
- Paige says she's biologically incapable of throwing a bad party