Janelle telling Kim she's going to have a baby – Kim reminding her that she needs him for that. (Wow – it's Karl and Susan in 1997 all over again.)
Janae telling Sasha that she won't give him up without a fight.
Connor telling Toadie that his first PI job is finding a woman – who Toadie immediately identified as Jenny McKenna.
Number 30 where we'd rather Be In Ecuador
Toadie tells Connor to call his boss and turn the job down, but he refuses. He's adamant that Karl won't find out, and that if Jenny's done nothing wrong, then she has nothing to worry about. Angie wanders in and comments that spying is wrong. Connor asks her what she feels about listening in to others' conversations.
ANGIE: I was not eavesdropping; I was working my triceps outside and you were talking too loud.
Connor suggests that she go try out her triceps in a gym. In Ecuador. Hey – that's quite a good line for Connor.
Number 26 where Janelle has to Think It Through
Toadie tells Janelle that his mother is driving him crazy, and only she can save him, by calling his dad and taking her home. But sadly for Toadie, Janelle thinks her brother's better off without Angie. Toadie reminds her that Angie could be living in Colac – or would she rather her sister-in-law live one minute across the street? Janelle thinks hard, but Janae tells her that a Timmins never does what a Rebecchi says.
Bree gets upset – why does everyone have to fight? They made good progress in talking things through last week (oh, this girl is like, Susan aged fourteen). But Janae wants a Boxing Day fight to look forward to in her life.
Hey – I'd like to be nine stone and hating chocolate, but it ain't gonna happen. Get over it, Janae.
Interrupting the girls' talk is a honking noise from the street, and the girls run right into the next scene:
Ramsay Street where I think it might be A Famous Car
Kim has purchased a car. At least, I think it's a car, it's hard to tell with all the corners and ugliness.
KIM: Do you love it or do you love it?
JANELLE: Oh, no love. Just lust. Big lust.
That's my girl. Kim bought it for Janelle – it's her ultimate dream machine, but Janae thinks it's old; she'd have preferred a convertible. (My dad once told my mum that a convertible was a car you could drive either end, and my mum thought that was cool because she'd never have to reverse park again.)
Janelle used to fantasise about drag racing a car like this, and Kim suggests they make her fantasies real. He leaps in the car, and Janelle says that whether they have a boy or girl, now, it's going to be called Caddy. Kim reminds her that he *isn't* having another baby, and she realises that she's been bought off.
Caddy…so this is, like, a cadillac? I've heard of those. There's a song with one in, can't remember it.
Kim announces that he's getting the snip tomorrow whether she likes it or not; Toadie, Boyd and Janae overhear and walk away in disgust, whilst Bree politely requests a trip to school.
The General Store where there is Surreptitiousness
Janelle and Janae storm into the store and Janelle can't believe that Kim tried to buy her off with a sexy
and truly ugly car. They talk babies for a while, until Janelle spies Lyn counting stock, who tells her that she's working for Paul.
JANELLE: Gee. Working here is a massive ‘up yours' to Harold and Lou.
(My dad once did a toast to an elderly couple on their anniversary, and instead of saying ‘bottoms up' he said ‘up yours.' I've never seen him go so red.)
Lyn goes to organise some coffees for them, and Janae asks her mum how she can convince Boyd to have a baby now. Janelle tells her to wait until Year 12 has finished, then she'll know if Boyd is serious about providing for them. Janae concedes a little, but says she's ready to hold her own baby now. Sasha stands at the counter, surreptitiously listening, as guest characters are prone to do.
An Open Space where Plot Devices come into force
Bree and Kim purchase ice creams, and comments that everyone's looking at their new car. She says that their family doesn't need another messed up kid, but Kim tells her that there's nothing wrong with her. She says there is – she just hides it better. Aw, Breezer.
She reminds her father that although more children are good for the economy, they're not good for the environment! There are two guys staring at the car, and Kim recognises them as his mates – he grabs a bag and tells his daughter there will be no more kids – they broke the mould with her.
Do you get the sense that they're building up to a storyline here?
There was no swimming, only bluesin', now I know he's lost his Susan
We're at the swimming baths, now – hurrah hurreeh – and Karl nervously looks out onto the pool with a towel around his waist. Two naked women walk past and he deliberately looks above their heads so as to avoid any suspicion that he's looking at their bodies, which of course makes it worse. Jenny McKennedy McKenna's in the water and she tells Karl that if he takes his towel off he'll get far fewer looks.
I have a sudden flashback to 1995 when Susan takes Karl to number 22 for a spa without asking Cheryl (who owned the house at the time), and Karl turned around and suddenly realised that Susan meant a *naked* spa. He wouldn't drop his boxers without a lot of encouragement, then, either, and when he did, Cheryl referred to him as Doctor Do-LITTLE, which I'm sure did nothing for his confidence at this pool party that we're at in 2006.
She tells him that he's no mystery to her (rats, so they slept together then), and that he should just get in. You know, she's *so* much prettier with wet hair. He drops his towel, she grins hugely (aw, rather like Susan did at the spa that time…) and he throws himself into the pool, getting a rather good view as he swims under her. Kenna McJennedy kisses him.
Oh. My. God. DON'T EAT HIM ALIVE.
That's Susan's job.
Karl goes off to swim a few lengths, and the camera pans to show us PI Connor reading a paper. He is the most conspicuous PI in the history of mankind.
What intrigues me most about that end part is that in the paper there's an ad for a chair which has giant bird feet at the base of its legs, and I don't know why.
Number 32 where it All Goes Wrong
LYN: Melon balls anyone?
ISABELLE: Are you sure you can spare one? I wouldn't want you to run out.
That is just SO funny for no reason. Maybe it's because it came right after Connor wearing glasses and a tash. Izzy, Summer, Janelle, Janae and Angie are cooing over Charlie as Max and Steph watch from the sofa. Lyn is serving food, and is imagining just how much she'll have to do for the christening.
STEPH: Well, actually, we're not going to have a christening.
5, 4, 3, 2, 1……
LYN: What do you mean? You have to have a christening.
Steph and Max don't want one even though Lyn does, and the argument is getting louder and louder, until she realises that they're not even going to have godparents – they're having a Life Mentor. Hmmm. And Susan has agreed to be that person already. Angie bursts into tears – Steph and Max sticking together is *so* touching and reminds her of how she and Big Kev used to be. I wonder if there was ever a Little Kev? She runs out the house.
Izzy snatches the food.
ISABELLE: So, anyone for more melonballs?
The swimming baths where we're a Little More Contained
Karl leaps into the pool, enjoying himself. And for a moment I think Kennedy McJenna has gone all chavvy on me, by wearing a huge hoop earring, and then I realise (rather shamefacedly) that it's the ten logo in the corner of the screen.
Karl tells Jennedy that he used to wander round naked at home all the time (like, when?) – on Sunday mornings, apparently. DAMN the weekday soaps. But Lib threatened to leave home when she was six if he carried on.
So he and Susan only did that when she wasn't there. They kiss some more, thankfully rather less like octopodes (no, it's not octopi) this time, whilst Connor takes some photos. Great. Now we even have the event digitally recorded. Super.
</digs out 1995 DVDs where the world was a happier – if not surreal – place>
Number 30 where the family are Talking Again
Angie is crying at home and Janelle wanders in, telling her she left her front door open. Janelle wanted to see how she was and sits next to her at the table, taking her hand. She acknowledges that she and Angie aren't besties, but she doesn't like to see her cry. Angie thinks that she might be kidding, but Janelle does her Colac Footie Club's Honour sign, so it must be true.
Angie confesses why Kev kicked her out – he wants her to keep working, but she wants to retire. She wants Kev to retire with her, too. Janelle sympathises, and says she'll call her brother and sort it out. Janelle says that if Angie goes back to Colac, she won't have to see her ugly mug again until Christmas; she's not doing her any favours, it's all about herself.
Nothing like a nice heart-warming family chat.
Janelle leaves, and Toadie – having overhead – thanks her quietly. They do the Colac Footie sign to each other. Such bonding.
Number 32 where Lyn is Still Whining
Janae is cuddling Charlie, and Summer is watching over her whilst Lyn complains to Isabelle that she doesn't understand why Susan would agree to be the baby's Life Mentor.
Honestly, Lyn, you're not supposed to talk about your best friend like that in front of the woman who stole her husband and broke her heart. In fact, you should hate her. That's your job. Although, I have to say, in Isabelle's defence, she does stick up for Susan and say that they only had the Kennedy kids christened because they were rebelling against Karl's socialist dad. Good ol' Tom.
Boyd wanders in – he's been studying with Sasha, and they need to be somewhere quieter, so they're going to The Scarlet Bar office. Because, like, there's no music or anything there.
The Pool Party where I'm jealous
Karl doesn't understand why they have to wear towels to the bar if it's a naked party. Kenny McJenneda tells him that it's a health and safety issue. I spend about ten minutes wondering what exactly that safety issue is, and the only conclusion I can come up with involves naked flames and nightlights, so I'm stuck.
They walk off together past the pool, and she puts her hand on his bottom and then pinches it. I'm so torn. I actually really like them together. But I don't, because I want it to be Susan. They look all in love and enter the bar; Connor sees them and goes to walk away, but drops his paper. Karl calls after him and clocks him immediately.
Karl comments that he didn't know Connor was a naturist. But then he doesn't know how to pronounce naturist, either. He introduces her to his ‘girlfriend,' and my heart feels sorry for Susan. McKennedy suggests that he'd like to join them at the bar, but he has to go – unfortunately his digital camera falls out from his towel, and boy – is he sprung. Karl mouths ‘what' to him – very very funny!
You know, it's not that Karl and Jenny are in love that bothers me so much. It's that Alan and Carrie seem to work very naturally together and have a lot of fun, and I'm getting very jealous on Jackie's behalf…
You know, a year ago I had a life.
The Scarlet Bar where I Officially Hate Sasha
I was right, you know. The music is *blaring* through the bar into the office and it's no quieter at all.
Sasha comments that it must be hard studying in a house with a baby, and wouldn't it be more weird if it was Boyd's baby? He says that won't happen for a long time, and Sasha starts going on out how he and Janae are a strange couple. I HATE manipulation like this. Really bothers me.
She apologises (yeah, whatever) and tells Boyd that she heard Janae tell her mother she really wanted a child. She gets Boyd all suspicious, and comments that maybe Janae – as an insecure person – wants Boyd to have a child with her to prove that he won't leave her.
The Pool where Karl acknowledges the Truth About Speed
Jarl and Kenny are looking at the pictures on the camera, and Jennedy says she's going to get security.
CONNOR: Look, I'm not a criminal, alright? I'm not a pervert……I'm a private investigator.
She doesn't believe him because, let's face it, it is absolutely laughable. Karl says that it strictly speaking is true.
KARL: But I'm astounded by how quickly you became qualified.
Yes, rather like how quickly people get married in divorced in Ramsay Street. Rather like how one day they are in love with someone, then the next they're not. Rather like how one ditzy young woman suddenly became an obsessive compulsive psycho. Rather like how one day Harold had everything he wanted, then a plane crash killed *only* his family. Rather like…… Okay, stopping now.
Connor tells them the truth – he was asked to trail Jennedy but he doesn't know why. She thinks it might be because of her job.
The Scarlet Bar where Janae Backs Me Up
Kim, Janelle, Janae and Bree are chatting about their food, and Bree announces that she gets her DNA results back tomorrow. She can't believe that the same genes that made her, also made her sister. Oh, Bree. Bree, Bree, Bree…
Boyd chats to Sasha in the office – he doesn't think Janae is trying to trap him, but Sasha thinks it might be unconscious. He denies it. Janae wanders in and sits on his lap.
JANAE: What are you doing here? I mean, it's way more noisier than at your place.
THANK YOU! Duh!
He tells her he needs to study, but Sasha excuses herself and gives Janae a look on the way out. Janae says if she sees that look again, she'll re-arrange her face.
You go girlfriend.
Number 32 where Max Does The Right Thing
They Hoyland family have just finished a huge meal by Lyn, and Steph says she'll get some more sleep before her next round of therapy. As she slowly waddles off to bed, Lyn loudly tells Summer that food like that is *nothing* compared to a christening breakfast.
Honestly. For a woman who has so many morals, and gets so cross with others for not seeing things *her* way or being *her* friend, she isn't half blinded by her own wants! Summer wants a christening now, and Lyn tells that to Max who steps right in.
He tells her that Charlie is their baby, not his, and if she doesn't agree with their decision that's fine – but she needs to keep it to herself. Or she isn't welcome here.
Number 26 where…
…Kim announces that he's off to have his vasectomy, and Janelle won't talk to him; she keeps her back to him, staring out the kitchen window. He tells her he loves her, even if she hates him. Janelle tearfully turns and says that she doesn't hate him, she just wants another baby. She thinks another child would make it better for them, but he doesn't agree.
JANELLE: Please. I want this so bad.
Oh, this is *so* 1997. He walks away and she cries into her hand.
Be careful what you wish for, Janelle.
The General Store where we learn how to spell Bree's full name
Connor tells Toadie how hard it is to spy in the nude, and that if he sees Karl again he may be sick. Toadie tells him that Karl's just come in…
Boyd is at the counter and hands Karl some test results, having ordered him a chocolate muffin. He knows his boss well. Karl settles at a table and opens the results. Bree's DNA project results. It reads:
“Kim Timmins is not the biological father of Breanna Timmins.”
(The most interesting thing about that is that now we know how Bree spells her full name. That's always been a mystery.)
Dum Dum Dum!
Line of the episode:
ANGIE: I was not eavesdropping; I was working my triceps outside and you were talking too loud
Best performance of the episode:
Nell Feeney – too sad and too funny
Best ‘Rock On' moment:
Where Janelle saw the ugly car
The scene that TPTB forgot to include:
The one where Karl closed his eyes and imagined it was Susan in the pool with him…