Melody telling Janelle that with a bit of changing she could become a very marketable literal personality.
Janae breaking into the surgery and looking at Mike's records and seeing ‘positive' written on a sheet of paper.
Janae is looking at a medical file, and we know it's a confidential one because she's doing it in the dark. Darkness always indicates that something strange is going on.
And who should enter the surgery but Karl who is not being sneaky in any way at all; he is, though, wearing a rather fetching tank top. He calls out several times to ask who's there and what they're doing and, by the way, he's called the police. He walks into his office and Janae takes the opportunity to run out unseen.
The Community Hall
Sky is making comments about Gino's play and how the people in it are rejects from Fame. That's a Kapow! moment if I ever saw one. Elle doesn't understand why she's being so dismissive and uncommitted, but Sky tells her and Ned she doesn't feel she's right for the lead role. Ned encourages her to go for it and she concedes, albeit reluctantly.
Bree is taking a picture of Janelle which will be the picture which will go in Janelle's book.
JANELLE: How was that?
BREE: You look rather bewildered.
Bree suggests that her mother look more ‘thoughtful' this time, and Janelle tries it, but looks more like a cross between Paul Merton and that evil guy from the Austin Powers film with the little finger by his mouth. Luckily, she still looks bewildered, but she desperately wants to look the part.
BREE: Mum, the publishers don't want you looking all posh – they want a true blue bogan. That's your niche.
Janae comes home all sad, and doesn't want to help Janelle with her pose. She tells everyone to leave her alone and goes to her room. Janelle looks annoyed, and in the moment Bree takes the perfect shot.
The Community Hall
Stuart turns up at the rehearsal and said he heard that Gino couldn't make it, so he's here to put them through their paces and generally act all Gino-like. Ned is not impressed.
There's an initial great shot of a dustbin, and a rather lovely pair of legs walking up to it and they belong to Boyd.
Karl drives up and gets out the car, annoyed to see Boyd. On second viewing, he might not be wearing aforementioned tank to but then it is dark, so who knows.
Karl tells Boyd he's disappointed with him, and thought he could trust him. Boyd's all like “what??” and Karl tells him that he left the surgery unlocked, and therefore put the confidentiality of his patients at risk.
Boyd staunchly defends his position and goes to show Karl the key to prove it. I don't get that. How does having a key prove you locked the door?
Don't bother Karl. Your ex-wife and family know half the afflictions of all your patients anyway.
The Community Hall
Ned and Sky are doing a scene together and GinoStu is in the audience commenting on its lack of inspiration. The scene requires a kiss between the two leads.
Elle shuffles her script and the kiss doesn't happen. Sky sensitively suggests they kiss only on the night, but Stu gets up and demands to see the kiss! The chemistry! The passion! He wants to feeeeeeel it!
Elle says she has no problem with them kissing, but Sky suggests a song to get things pumping a bit. Ned sings to Sky without any accompaniment and he's just dreadful. Atrocious. Stu makes fun of him until Elle pulls his pants up high from back…
Janae is reading Janelle's manuscript for her book.
THE BOOK: “But Chanelle wouldn't submit to his musky odours. She loved Tim too much to risk it all on his sweaty twin.”
Janelle bounds in and Janae tells her it's a trashy and tacky book, sending out a dreadful message. She tells Janelle that it's no wonder she's so messed up with a slapper of a mother like her.
Boyd catches up with Janae; she forgot to meet him for breakfast. She tells him that she didn't get much sleep, and he relays the story of forgetting to lock the surgery. He says he could have sworn he locked it, and hey presto, Janae produces the key that she amazingly found on the Nature Strip just now. Boyd tells her that Karl's had all the locks changed, so now Janae's wishing she hadn't got out the key…
They agree to meet for lunch at the lake.
The General Store
Stu asks Ned's going to work today, and Ned asks if Stu plans to hassle him there, too? Stu tells him “I'm just having a laugh, princess.”
Elle comes in as Ned leaves and goes over to see Stu. She asks what's going on, and Stu says: “I'm still walking like a cowboy, thanks to you.”
Elle tells Stu that Ned is nervous onstage and doesn't need his brother heckling and bullying him. He wants to be a professional performer, but Stu makes fun of it and demeans the whole play as a hobby. Ned has to get a job and start earning a living.
But good ol' Elle – she puts her hands under the table and Stuart screams, much to the surprise of those wandering outside the store.
Dahl squawks, and it seems so out of place in this house. Janelle is making costumes for the play with sequins, and says she'll borrow some feathers from Dahl, too.
Bree teases Janae about being with Boyd, and picks up a tassel and something else and pretends that they're Janae and Boyd, pashing.
Janelle sends Bree off to the shops and Janelle asks Janae what's up. Janae apologises for last night, and Janelle tells her that she has never cheated on Kim, so she won't be called a slapper, although she's many other things.
Janelle wants to know what's wrong, but Janae cries and walks out.
The General Store
Sky asks Elle if she's seen Showgirls. Elle hasn't. Elle admits she might be a teeny tiny bit jealous of the fact that Sky will be kissing Ned, and Sky tells her it's healthy to let it out – what else is Elle planning to stop the kiss happening? Apparently, pushing her down the stairs was one of Elle's plans, as was putting ball bearings on the stage, have a stage light drop on her head, or she could poison her, you know, like the letter her dad and Izzy got.
Sky asks if they can go back to being friends, and Elle admits to being a prima donna. She even compliments Sky on her acting ability. They hug and make up, and Elle tells Sky to keep her hands to herself or she'll be sleeping with the fishes.
Karl is already at work when Boyd shows up. Karl tells him that if he wants a career in medicine he needs to life his game and show some commitment. Karl implies that the filing was done yesterday, but Boyd denies this. Karl walks into his office and Boyd goes to his desk where there are the medical files of Janae and Mike Pill. Cue Boyd's recognition.
Janae is on the internet, looking up information relating to the immune system. Her phone rings and it's Boyd asking if they're still on for lunch. Janae says she's busy, but Boyd says it's important and he needs to see her.
Janelle comes into the room and wants to help Janae – who bursts into tears. Her mum thinks it's between her and Boyd, but she can barely get the words out that she loves him and she doesn't know what to do. Janelle tries to reassure her, but the poor kid's distraught.
The Community Hall
Sky tells Elle this play needs some more fun and dancing and accidentally falls into Ned's arms as she does so. Ned gets them acting again:
NED: Come on guys, Gino will be back any second and you know what he'll say if he sees us standing around.
SKY: What will he say?
NED: Stop…standing around.
Sky and Ned dance, then he sings to her.
There are no words. None at all.
Well, actually, there are:
If you were mine, I would never treat you badly.
If you were mine, you would never be so lonely.
Wooooah, another world is waiting, please stop the hesitating, darling I'll always be true.
Say that you love me, say that you need me. Please don't leave me standing here
You got me on my knees now; I'm begging darling please let me have my way.
She wears those bunny socks that drive me so crazy.
She gives me funny looks and I go all hazy.
I want to be with her for now and forever more.
PIANO BRIDGE (including wolf whistle)
If you were mine our love could be forever
If you were mine we could be locked in love forever.
Wooooah another world is waiting, please stop the hesitating, darling I'll always be true.
Janae meets Boyd, and he tells her that he knows she saw the medical files. She says that “If Mike's got it then I've got it, too.” He reassures her that as she and Mike were only kissing, she can't have contracted it. By which I suppose we're meant to assume that we're talking about HIV - and that would also fit in with the title of this episode (well, loosely). But by the look on Janae's face, they weren't just kissing…
The Community Hall
Stu watches the end of the show as they're all clapping, and admits that Ned can sing. Stu agrees that he hasn't been a very good brother recently, so he wants to give him a present – Remedial Reading Classes at the Adult Education Centre. Wowee. Oh, and an application form to join the police force, you know, once he's got the reading thing down pat.
Ned throws the gift at him and walks away.
Boyd has to leave soon, and he has some noodle around his mouth, so Janae goes to wipe it away, then hesitates before pulling her hands away from his face. Poor kid. She must be so terrified right now. She apologises for getting Boyd into trouble with Karl, but he's okay with it. He apologises – he shouldn't have interrogated her about her past boyfriends, after all, she's not still in love with him.
You can see the cogs whirring in Janae's head as she works out that if she pretends to like Mike, Boyd will leave her, then she won't risk passing anything onto him. She declares she never fell out of love with him; Boyd was only the consolation prize.
She walks away, and Boyd is left speechless.
Line of the episode:
“Mum, the publishers don't want you looking all posh – they want a true blue bogan. That's your niche"
Best performance of the episode:
Eliza Taylor-Cotter, no doubt
Best ‘Rock On' moment:
The Musky Odours comment
The scene that TPTB forgot to include:
The one that explains why Stuart has become a whole other person…