Anne telling Bill that he may as well go back to school.
Pinhead challenging Bill to a game of one-on-one.
Bill shoving Pinhead, causing him to fall and hurt his arm.
Lou places the gnome that Harold and Madge gave him as a present down on the Coffee Shop counter firmly and demands to know what's wrong with it. Harold retorts indignantly that it's a goodwill gesture. Madge adds:
MADGE: We thought it would be a very pleasant addition to your collection.
Lou, looking surprised, says:
LOU: You must have been reading my mind. You see, I'm thinking of *doubling* that gnome garden all the way up that metre of land.
MADGE (smiles): That sounds *very* interesting, doesn't it? [She looks at Harold]
LOU: Yes. I had a vision: a city full of little people; gnome houses; waterways; fairy lights all over the place. It'll be a tourist attraction in no time.
HAROLD (open mouthed): Sounds very grand, eh?
LOU: ‘Ramsay Wonderland'. What do you think?
MADGE (warmly): How many tourists do you think it might attract?
LOU: Oo, hundreds; *thousands*. Cars full of them!
MADGE: Well it'll certainly add a bit of colour to the neighbourhood, won't it!
Lou looks at her and Harold uncertainly and says, sounding surprised:
LOU: You think it's a good idea?
MADGE: I think it's a *wonderful* idea. It'll be a great money-spinner. Harold and I can open a Devonshire tea stall.
HAROLD: Oo yes, I've *always* wanted to run a Devonshire tea stall. We can make this work! Well done, Lou! Would you like a coffee to celebrate?
LOU (frowns): No thank you; I don't have time – I have a doctor's appointment.
MADGE (smiles): Well keep in touch: we don't want you cutting us out of the action!
LOU (throatily): Don't you worry: I won't.
With that, Lou heads off. When he's gone, Harold laughs to Madge that it's amazing how some people can't stand other people being nice to them!
Bill is alone in the common room, throwing the basketball through the hoop. Anne comes in and he asks her what she's doing there. Anne replies that she could ask him the same thing.
BILL: I'm waiting for Pinhead. We haven't finished the game.
ANNE (coolly): Somehow, I don't think he's coming back.
Anne goes on that she's never seen Bill play like that before: like a complete lunatic. Bill retorts that Pinhead shouldn't have been mouthing off. He adds that he's not going to let anybody push him around, especially jerks like Pinhead.
ANNE (snaps): Gee, what a hero. Have you ever thought about *backing off* when someone's stirring you?
BILL: Why should I?
With that, he storms out, leaving Anne looking worried.
A while later, Anne walks over to where Amy is sitting at a table and asks her if she's seen Bill. Amy replies that she hasn't. She invites Anne to take a seat, but she declines, saying she's got to keep searching.
AMY (irritably): Oh, I get it: so you're not talking to me, right?
ANNE (curtly): I'm *talking* to you; I'm just still annoyed with you about yesterday.
AMY: You're joking!
ANNE: Hardly. You *lied* to me.
ANNE: When Susan came over, you were supposed to have asked me to help you with your speech.
AMY (shrugs): Forget about the speech: I've got it well and truly under control.
Anne remarks that obviously *Susan* doesn't think so. Amy snaps that *she's* the one representing the school and she intends to do it in her own words and her own style. She adds that she wouldn't mind listening to Anne's ideas, though. Anne mutters that maybe she'll do it later. She heads out as Lou comes in and sits down with his gnome, which he places on the table with him. He asks for a coffee. Madge tells him to make himself comfy. As he sits down, Lou says with a glint in his eye:
LOU: Don't you worry: I intend to make myself *very* comfortable...
Hannah runs into the house with some mail. She starts looking through it for the ‘phone bill – and then jumps in shock when the front door opens and Philip comes in! She gasps:
HANNAH: Don't sneak up on me like that!
PHILIP: I wasn't sneaking. I was just saying—
HANNAH: I could have had a heart attack or something!
PHILIP: I was just saying you were obviously in a rush to get home. I was driving past your school and I saw you running full pelt.
HANNAH (indignantly): Thanks for stopping!
PHILIP: I thought you'd be embarrassed if your old man picked you up!
Philip then asks if there's anything interesting in the mail. Hannah tells him quickly that she was expecting a letter from Claire, but it hasn't arrived yet. Philip then asks her what she was in such a rush for. Hannah explains that she's got to get to the Bishops' and start cleaning their house. Philip warns her not to overdo it.
Lou is still sitting at the same table. He's reading his paper. At the counter, Madge mutters to Harold:
MADGE: One coffee. *One measly coffee*.
HAROLD: Yes, and he's read every single item in that paper.
Madge retorts that he's got to move on. She adds:
MADGE: I really don't know what goes on in that square head of his. What on earth's he doing lounging around a coffee shop all day?
HAROLD: I know what he's up to: he's testing our patience.
MADGE: Yes, well, he's certainly tested *mine*.
Paul emerges from the kitchen and Madge asks her if he can go and see if Lou wants another coffee. Looking slightly wary, Paul sighs that he doesn't think he's Lou's favourite person right now. Madge mutters:
MADGE: Join the club.
Paul gives in and approaches Lou and asks him if he'd like to order anything else. Lou, however, smiles that the coffee is doing him very nicely! Paul goes to walk away. Lou, however, calls him back and says:
LOU: Don't think I haven't noticed that you appear to be doing two jobs. I thought you accepted a very nice raise at the garage in order not to work here anymore?
PAUL: Yeah, um, I'm just filling in for today.
LOU (nods pointedly): Ah... I should hope so.
As Paul goes to walk off again, Lou calls back
LOU: I do have *one* request: could I have a pencil for my crossword, please?!
Karl is making dinner when Susan arrives home from work. She sits down on the couch and sighs that she's so over today! Karl sits down opposite her and starts giving her a leg rub! As he does so, he asks how Bill's first day was at school.
SUSAN: Disastrous. He got into a fight with Pinhead.
KARL (exclaims): On his first day? ... That's not like him.
SUSAN: I know. It caused a bit of a stir; I was tempted to haul him into the office over it.
KARL: Did you act on your temptation?
SUSAN: No, I thought I'd leave the initiative up to him.
KARL: Did he come and see you?
SUSAN: Not so far.
At that moment, the front door opens and Bill comes in. Karl says to him:
KARL: Good day?
BILL (shrugs): All right.
He then heads to his room. Susan looks at Karl and sighs heavily.
It's evening-time. Madge, behind the counter, calls to Paul to give her a hand. Paul joins her and tells her that the two people by the door want a table. Madge, looking around for space, indicates Lou and mutters:
MADGE: What about our number one customer there?
HAROLD: He's still got his drink.
MADGE (growls): I hope it *chokes* him.
HAROLD (looking shocked): Madge!
Madge, however, decides it's time to get rid of him. Harold warns her not to get flustered, as that's what he wants. Madge walks over to Lou and says very politely:
MADGE: Lou, I was wondering if you would mind sharing your table with those people over there?
LOU: Oh no, no. No, I'm sorry. I have to be able to spread my newspaper out so I can do my crossword properly.
MADGE (picking the gnome up from the table): Perhaps if we moved your little friend over to the counter, then?
LOU: No, no, no! I couldn't bear to let this wonderful gift out my sight!
Madge returns to the counter. Harold says:
HAROLD: I take it he wouldn't leave?
MADGE (snarls): I would like to wrap my hands around his throat and *squeeze*!
Paul sighs as he asks how long this stupid war is going to continue.
MADGE (snaps): You stay out of this: this is adult business.
PAUL (retorts): You reckon...?
Susan and Karl are having dinner, and Susan tells Karl that the risotto he made is magnifico! Karl says he's been thinking about how they could celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary:
KARL: You remember the vineyards we were going to visit when we were on the caravan holiday?
SUSAN (laughs): And never got to?!
KARL: Well I think we *should* get to them – in a car, this time; we'll leave karma out of the equation!
Susan, however, looks less than enthused, and she suggests they wait and see what happens. Karl nods in a subdued tone:
KARL: I guess you're not quite ready for a romantic weekend away with me?
At that moment, Bill emerges from his room and Susan tells him that there's some risotto if he wants some. Bill just replies that he's not hungry. Susan then asks him how the rest of his day went.
BILL (shrugs): OK.
SUSAN: Just ‘OK'?
BILL: Mum, you are the *Principal*; I'm sure you know what happened.
SUSAN: Well I'd like to hear *your* side of it.
BILL: Why bother?
KARL (warns): Your mother is just trying to *help*.
BILL: Ask *Pinhead* what happened.
SUSAN (sighs): Just *talk* to me.
BILL: I'm going out now.
KARL: Where are you going?
BILL (snaps): For heaven's sake, do I have to tell you my every move?
With that, Bill storms out. Karl looks at Susan.
Amy and Anne are sitting together on the couch, looking at two versions of the speech: one they put together jointly and Amy's own one, which she says she prefers. Anne insists that she thinks the joint one is what the judges are looking for. Amy comments that it's all serious and stuffy. Anne, however, insists that it isn't. Amy tells her that it starts with a comment from Disraeli:
AMY: Some ancient, old, dead British Prime Minister. I mean, they're going to be in a coma before we get to the second paragraph!
Anne tells Amy that *her* speech doesn't exactly *say* anything: the judges want solutions, not just jokes. She then sighs that Amy is so stubborn. Amy retorts that the audiences will *love* her speech. With that, she storms off, just as Hannah comes in and sighs to Philip:
HANNAH: I never want to look at another duster or mop or vacuum cleaner ever again!
Philip tells her that she's taking on too much – he's going to talk to Madge and Harold about getting another cleaner. Hannah insists that she's fine. She goes off to change. Philip asks Anne if Amy is staying for dinner. Anne just retorts:
ANNE: Who cares?
Harold is sitting with Madge at the dinner table, commenting that the telephone bill he's looking at is bigger than normal: there seem to be a few 0055 numbers. Over by the sink, an expression of guilt crosses Paul's face. Harold suddenly whispers to Madge urgently:
HAROLD: 0055 - they're the ones you ring if you want...
HAROLD (hisses): Titillation!
Harold then calls Paul over and, showing him the ‘phone bill, says:
HAROLD: Do you know anything about those?
PAUL (sighs): I can explain.
HAROLD (looking disappointed): Oh dear... So you *did* make those calls?
Paul insists that he's getting the money together to pay them all back. Harold, however, tells him sternly:
HAROLD: I'm not worried about the *money*. What upsets *me* is that you know the sort of calls you're making.
PAUL (blankly): What do you mean?
HAROLD: Oh come on... I watch late-night television; I didn't come down in the last shower. Those commercials don't leave an awful lot to the imagination.
PAUL (looking aghast): It's not like *that*.
HAROLD: I just think that anyone who'd waste good money on those sick and perverted calls must be—
MADGE: Sick and perverted?
HAROLD (quickly): No, no, no, I wouldn't say he's sick and perverted!
MADGE: I'm glad to hear it.
Paul asks if he can get a word in. Harold, however, goes on curtly:
HAROLD: What about that man-to-man talk we had? I mean, first of all there was the ‘Ambrosia' magazine—
PAUL (looking horrified): How do *you* know about that?
HAROLD: Oh, ah, yes, yeah, well, all right, I found it in your room. But that's why we had that talk about—
HAROLD: Yes, that.
PAUL: It wasn't *my* magazine, it was Mickey Dalton's: he lent it to me.
MADGE: They *all* say that. I bet *he* only bought it for the interviews!
HAROLD: Yes, and now this [he stabs the phone bill with his finger] on top of that.
PAUL (insists): It's not like that at *all*.
Paul then heads to the ‘phone and dials. He tells Harold to just listen. Harold starts to protest, but Paul insists and Harold takes the ‘phone. A look of surprise crosses his face as he hears what's said at the other end. As he hangs up, Paul says tersely:
PAUL: Now tell us what you heard, please.
HAROLD (meekly): Apparently I'm going to meet a tall, dark stranger and go on a long journey.
Madge bursts out laughing!
Driveway of No. 24
A generator has been set up in the driveway and the engine is going. It's early in the morning.
Madge emerges from the bedroom and snaps:
MADGE: What on earth is *that*?
Paul goes and looks out the window, to see Lou outside, about to drill a hole in the driveway. Madge, looking furious, warns:
MADGE: Harold, I have done my best.
With that, she storms out the front door, still in her dressing gown.
Driveway of No. 24
Lou has a pneumatic drill in his hands. Madge marches down the drive and yells:
MADGE: Turn it off! TURN THAT DAMN THING OFF!
Lou just looks at her and says:
Madge picks up a gnome from the line and warns that she'll smash it. Various neighbours, including Phil, Lance, Anne, Hannah and Karl, come out to watch. Hannah runs over to Paul and asks him if they're aware that the whole street is watching what they're doing. A tug of war begins over the gnome, between Madge, Lou and Harold! After a few seconds, Paul goes and turns the generator off. He then yells at Madge, Harold and Lou:
PAUL: Back inside! ... Just get back inside and figure it out.
The tug of war comes to an end and Madge and Harold become aware of all the neighbours watching. Madge looks at them in embarrassment before heading back inside!
As they head into the house, Harold snaps at Lou that he can't just go drilling holes without the proper notification or permits or council notification. Lou just retorts that he told them yesterday what he was going to do, and they were all happy smiles *then*.
MADGE (angrily): When did you ever say you were going to use a pneumatic drill at some god-awful hour in the morning?
HAROLD: *And* on our driveway?
LOU: How do you expect ‘Ramsay Wonderland' to happen? With a click of my fingers?
MADGE (growls): You know where you can stick your ‘Ramsay Wonderland'!
Hannah comes in and Paul tells her to guard the door: he doesn't want anyone coming in or out. He then turns to Harold, Madge and Lou and says curtly:
PAUL: All right. It's time to sort out this stupid feud over this stupid metre of land.
He then says:
PAUL: Now, Lou, how long have you lived next door?
PAUL: And you've managed to survive all this time without this metre of land; why can't you just continue doing so?
LOU: It's my land; I'm entitled to do what I want with it.
PAUL: OK. Harold and Madge: are you still prepared to buy the land back?
HAROLD: Well yes, of course, if we have to.
MADGE: I've still got the original cheque I wrote.
PAUL (looking at Lou): Well it seems to me, if you accept the cheque then this matter will be solved.
LOU: Money is not my motivation.
MADGE (coldly): No, course not. *Harassment* is.
PAUL: What *is* your motivation, then, Lou?
HAROLD: That's a very good question.
MADGE (holding out a cheque to Lou): If you accept this cheque, then the gnomes have to go and the fence doesn't go up. Do you agree?
Lou pauses before then grabbing the cheque and saying:
LOU: All right – you've got a deal.
Lou then starts tearing the cheque into pieces, causing Harold to exclaim:
HAROLD: What are you doing?
LOU (grins): I decided to accept your deal but not your money. I got something far more precious: you two will have to go on knowing that you're living on my land.
HAROLD (gasps): But that means that you can take it back at any time.
LOU (beams): You'd better believe it, Harry boy!
MADGE (snaps): That's hardly a deal.
Harold mutters angrily that after all the time and effort they've been through, they're back where they started.
A schoolboy finishes his speech and is given a round of applause. Anne, Lance and Amy are sitting together in the audience, and Lance comments to Amy that that was pretty good.
AMY (curtly): That's my *competition*.
LANCE (quickly): Yeah, well, there were a few flat spots. In fact, the more I think about it--
AMY: ...the more you should shut up.
Anne asks Amy if she's decided which speech she's going to present. Amy just muses:
AMY: That's for me to know and you to find out.
ANNE (sighs): Yeah, that's what I was afraid of.
At the front of the hall, Susan thanks the previous speaker and then announces Amy as the next-up, speaking on ‘The Problems of Youth Today'. There's a round of applause as Amy walks up to the stand. She then starts speaking:
AMY: Back in the 19th century, there was an old guy called Disraeli, who said ‘Youth is a blunder, manhood is a struggle and old age a regret.'
Anne sits in the audience, a smile of relief on her face.
Karl is looking at an x-ray when there's a knock on the door and Bill comes in. Karl asks if he shouldn't be at school, but Bill explains that he's got a free first-up because of the public-speaking competition. He then tells his father that he wanted to explain why he was being so stupid last night.
KARL: We heard you had a fight with a mate...
BILL: Yeah, Pinhead. He was having a dig at me and I was feeling pretty lousy – but it wasn't really a fight: the whole thing was blown right out of proportion.
KARL: And *he* felt the brunt of your frustrations?
Karl tells Bill that he should have been expecting it, and Bill admits that he didn't handle it well. Karl adds that it's been a hell of a year.
BILL: Tell me about it. For a while there, I thought I had everything I wanted, then bang! it's back to square one.
KARL: Other people experience the same thing – if it's any consolation.
BILL: Yeah. I know. I'm going to change that.
KARL: How are you going to do that?
BILL: I'm not going to force things. I know there'll be more opportunities ahead.
KARL: That‘s a good start!
BILL: Yeah, well, I actually thought the best start would be to apologise to you and mum.
KARL (looking relieved): You can do that!
BILL (smiling): Sorry dad!
KARL (laughs): Accepted!
BILL: And then I guess I'd better talk to Pinhead, eh?... *and* Anne...
Susan is addressing the audience, saying she'd like to thank everyone for coming and making it a very successful day. There's a round of applause and people begin to leave. Susan walks over to Amy and tells her:
SUSAN: Fantastic speech: you must be very proud of your efforts.
AMY: Yeah, I'm so rapt!
LANCE: Certificate... an Honourable Mention... a few laughs... It was a speech that truly had it all, eh?
Susan asks Lance to help her with the chairs. Left alone with Amy, Anne says coolly:
ANNE: I suppose congratulations are in order.
AMY: Yeah, it went down pretty well, huh?
ANNE (curtly): Thanks for acknowledging the help *I* gave you with the speech; you practically did *my* speech.
AMY: Last night you were calling it *our* speech.
ANNE: I was being *generous*.
AMY: I think it's obvious it was my sense of flair and presentation that won me the prize.
ANNE (exclaims in disbelief): I don't *believe* it: your big head is growing right before my eyes!
AMY (shrugs): You're just jealous because you know you couldn't have done as well.
With that, Amy walks off, leaving Anne standing there fuming.
Little Tommy Tucker's
Lou turns on the lights and looks around at the mess inside, muttering that it's not as if he doesn't pay those cleaners *enough*. He grabs a broom and starts brushing the floor vigorously – but all of a sudden, a look of intense pain shoots across his face and he staggers backwards...