Mark announcing that he's going to enter the Miss. Erinsborough quest.
Helen chastising the Robinsons for squabbling in front of Len Mangel.
Mark announcing that he's going to make the world's largest sausage roll.
Brett telling Debbie that Sassy talked him into having lunch with her.
Michael being warned by Gwen Childs that Helen should keep as far away from Len Mangel as possible.
Sassy, Packo and Squirrel are walking down the stairs. Sassy is muttering that Stonefish spent their three-month anniversary watching kickboxing videos and eating pizza – and *she* even had to pay for the pizza. Packo tells her to just drop him. Danni comes down the stairs behind them and Sassy stops her.
SASSY: I want you do to something for me.
DANNI: Yeah, what?
SASSY: Me and your cutie brother: do you reckon you can set us up?
DANNI (looking aghast!): Brett?! He's my brother! You really want to go out with him?
SASSY: I wouldn't be asking if I didn't, would I?
DANNI: I don't know... I'm not really good at this matchmaking stuff...
SASSY: Yeah, well, try, OK? You do want to be one of *us*, don't you...?
DANNI: I thought I already *was*.
SASSY (coolly): Yeah – so do it. Tonight's fine with me.
With that, Sassy walks off, leaving Danni looking worried.
Michael walks in, and after Philip has finished serving a customer, he asks his son why he's not at school. Michael retorts that he's on his way. He then tells Philip:
MICHAEL: Gran's boyfriend left his jacket and stuff at our place last night, so I said I'd drop it around – and when I got to his old place, there was this lady: Gwen Childs.
MICHAEL: She used to be Len's girlfriend.
PHILIP: So what? Are you saying Len's two-timing Helen?
MICHAEL: Worse than that. What he does is he gets onto these ladies and he puts their families off-side; then he moves in and steals all their savings – and when the money runs out, he drops them and moves on to the next one.
Philip points out that Mrs. Childs could be stretching the truth just a little. Michael pleads with him to talk to Helen. Philip tells him that Helen isn't a child and she isn't senile; she can make her own decisions. Michael, however, retorts that if she makes the wrong one, she'll look like a complete fool and it'll be all Philip's fault for not warning her. Philip sighs heavily.
Mark is talking on the ‘phone, making arrangements for the contest. Annalise walks in and smiles that she doesn't know why he doesn't give everything up, as *she's* obviously going to be the next Miss. Erinsborough. Mark, however, insists that the contest isn't about looks; it's about raising money for charity. Annalise sits down on the couch next to him. The ‘phone rings again and Mark answers. He manages to use the call to secure an oven. When he hangs up, he says:
MARK: Now to organise a little bit of publicity.
ANNALISE: You're wasting your time...
Mark dials a number. Annalise sits there, looking bored. As Mark starts telling the person on the other end that he's raising money for the Paralympians in the Miss. Erinsborough quest, Annalise runs her fingers through his hair and generally distracts him! She starts giggling as Mark tries to push her away! Mark uses his call to arrange for the press to be at his attempt to bake a giant sausage roll. At the end of the call, he tells the person:
MARK: Oh, and David, remember to use my slogan, please: ‘Bucks, not beauty'.
Annalise bursts out laughing as Mark hangs up.
ANNALISE: ‘Bucks, not beauty' huh?! I think you've got it the wrong way round, Mark!
MARK (muses): Don't be too sure, darling.
Lou is circling a date on the calendar. Cheryl asks him what he's doing and he tells her that he's just reminding the kids what's coming up: his birthday's only a couple of days away and nobody's said a dicky-bird. Cheryl laughs that he's such a kid!
LOU (curtly): It's *important* to me!
CHERYL (mockingly): There, there, little boy, mummy'll buy a lovely present!
Lou asks if she'll throw him a party. Cheryl, however, tells him that she's flat out at the moment, what with training Rick and supporting Mark in the quest. She suggests they go out for dinner *tonight*.
LOU (retorts): Tonight is not my birthday.
CHERYL (shrugs): Take it or leave it – it's the best I can do.
Lou looks put out.
Sassy, Squirrel and Packo confront Danni by the lockers, and Sassy asks Danni what Brett said. Danni, however, admits that she didn't actually ask him. She adds quickly:
DANNI: But he'll be home tonight.
SASSY: Excellent. So invite me round for dinner: you know – candles, flowers; the whole bit.
DANNI: I don't know exactly what mum and Lou are doing.
SASSY (shrugs): Get rid of them.
Danni murmurs that she'll try.
SASSY: Great. He's mine.
Danni stands there looking worried.
Kitchen at No. 26
Helen is sighing at Philip that surely she can choose her *own* friends. Philip retorts that he just wants to make sure Helen knows what sort of man Len *is*; she barely *knows* him.
HELEN (incredulously): He was my *neighbour* for years!
PHILIP: He ran out on his first wife, didn't he? Your friend – Nell.
HELEN (curtly): Nell Mangel was never my friend. Besides, that's all ancient history; people do have the capacity to change.
PHILIP: What if he doesn't? What if he just sweeps in here, sucks up your savings and leaves?
Helen glares at him and growls:
HELEN: So *that's* what all this is about, is it? Because if it is, you're certainly in no position to talk about *Len* taking advantage of me.
PHILIP (splutters): You're not suggesting that—
HELEN (coldly): I sold the house I owned to assure your position at Lassiter's – which you promptly gave away to the newsagency; all without consulting *me*, I seem to remember.
Philip tells her that they're getting off the point.
HELEN (sighs): Philip, I invited you and Julie to come and share this house with me. You are my guests; that does not give you the right to criticise my companions... I'm very happy to have you all here, but the least you can do is to respect my privacy.
PHILIP: I'm not interfering.
HELEN (snaps): You *are* interfering. You and Julie and the children... you've made your disapproval of Len blatantly obvious. You've intruded on our times together, and in some cases you've been downright rude to him. It's not good enough, Philip. It simply is not good enough.
Danni is setting out candles, the good glasses and plates for a meal. Brett is sitting at the table doing his homework. Lou and Cheryl head off for their meal, leaving Brett to ask Danni if she's expecting somebody.
DANNI (nervously): Yes... sort of.
Brett starts to pack up, saying he'll disappear. Danni, however, tells him to stay – and with that, she dashes out. A few seconds later, Sassy comes in through the back door, walks up to Brett, places her hands on his shoulders and smiles:
SASSY: Hey there, sexy!
A look of horror and astonishment crosses Brett's face!
Cheryl and Lou are sitting at a table. They're looking at a shirt they've bought, and Cheryl is telling Lou that he'll look a million bucks in it. She adds that she's sorry if he was expecting more of a fuss, but they've got him a present and they'll have a lovely meal tonight – and if he's very good, there might be an extra little treat when they get home...
LOU (eagerly): Really?!
CHERYL: I might give you one of my special massages with my new Oil of Rosemary.
Lou's face drops again! He then says:
LOU: Tell me again: why can't we celebrate on the day?
CHERYL: Because I've got a function and it's very important.
Lou looks disappointed.
Brett and Sassy have finished eating dinner, and Sassy is trying to stroke Brett's hand!
BRETT (nervously): My mum's a good cook, hey? That was delicious.
SASSY (stroking Brett's neck): I can see something I fancy a lot *more*...
Brett leaps to his feet and says he'd better clear up. Sassy tells him that she'll help. She stands up and tries to squeeze him up against the worktop! Brett steps to the side!
BRETT: No! Um... I'll do it later. Maybe I should put some music on?
He walks across to the stereo.
SASSY: Yeah, sure. Something real soft and dreamy.
BRETT: Yeah, well, I don't know about that: most of Danni's stuff's pretty grungy. *My* stuff's in my room.
SASSY: Great – let's go!
BRETT (quickly): No! Mum would kill me!
SASSY (putting her arms on Brett's shoulder and pushing him up against the wall): But she's not here; it's just us.
BRETT (nervously changing the topic): How do you like Erinsborough High?
SASSY: I like the *guys*...
BRETT: What about the subjects? Do you like the subjects?
BRETT: I *love* Biology...
With that, she leans in and starts kissing Brett on the lips. Brett's eyes start to bulge!
It's the next morning, and Mark and Cheryl are setting up for making the giant sausage roll. Philip joins then and hands over a $20 contribution. Cheryl comments that Mark must have raised $1400 by now. She then adds that she'll buy the final baked sausage roll for $500: baked, sliced and delivered. Mark smiles that she's on! He adds:
MARK: Delivered where?
CHERYL: *My* place of course, silly! I want it for Lou's surprise birthday party.
PHILIP (grins): Might be long enough to fit all the candles on!
Sassy, Packo and Squirrel gather round the lockers, and Squirrel asks Sassy if she and Brett did anything else.
SASSY: More than kiss? No. He's the innocent type.
On the other side of the lockers, Debbie stops in her tracks and listens, unseen.
SQUIRREL: When are you seeing him again?
SASSY: Whenever I want.
PACKO: That'll be big news for *some* people, won't it?
PACKO: Who else?
SASSY: He's not people; he's an animal.
Debbie steps round the other side of the lockers at that moment and tells Sassy, Packo and Squirrel to get to class.
SASSY (teases): Big Erinsborough hall monitor?!
DEBBIE: We have rules at this school, and they don't include slacking off in the corridor, talking about your love life.
DEBBIE: Of *you*?
SASSY: Too bad if you are, ‘cos Bretty-boy's *mine* now.
PACKO: You lose, Deb.
SQUIRREL (taunts): Poor Debbie... Sassy steals your boyfriend...?
SASSY: And he's so yummy: ‘Sweet-lips', I call him.
With that, Debbie glares at her and marches off. The girls laugh nastily.
Helen walks up to the counter and puts down a magazine. Philip tells her that it's on the house. Helen, however, retorts that she'd rather pay. Philip sighs that he's sorry if he upset her; he was only trying to help.
HELEN: You were interfering – and you have ever since Len showed an interest in me; and I'm going to put a stop to it.
She then announces that she and Len are going away on a holiday – together; alone. Philip doesn't look happy.
Debbie joins Danni by the lockers and says:
DEBBIE: Brett doesn't *really* like Sassy, does he?
DANNI: Why wouldn't he?
DEBBIE (sarcastically): Gee, I don't know. Maybe ‘cos she's feral?
Debbie then asks if it's serious. Danni just tells Debbie that it's none of her business if it is. She walks off. Debbie goes to walk in the opposite direction, but stops as she hears Sassy talking to Stonefish on the other side of the lockers.
STONEFISH: Where did you get to last night?
SASSY: As if you care.
STONEFISH: You're my girl; you're supposed to be home when I call you.
SASSY: Yeah, well not anymore. You're dropped.
Stonefish tells her that he kind of loves her. Sassy just retorts that she wants a man with more going for him than footy and kickboxing.
STONEFISH (suspiciously): Have you got another bloke?
STONEFISH: You'd better not.
SASSY: And what if I do?
STONEFISH: I'd kill him, that's what.
Debbie walks off, looking worried.
Mark is sitting with a woman called Hilda. She's telling him that he's the first male contestant they've had in the Miss. Erinsborough contest. Mark hands over his qualifying funds as Annalise comes in. He introduces her to Hilda Brown, explaining that Hilda is the pageant organiser. Hilda says to Annalise that she understands she's another of their entrants.
HILDA: You're supporting which charity?
ANNALISE: The Red Cross.
HILDA: And have you collected your qualifying funds as well, Annalise?
ANNALISE (hesitantly): Um... not quite. Not yet.
HILDA: How much *have* you raised?
ANNALISE: Oh... quite a bit, yes. Some, anyway.
HILDA: The minimum is $2000. Are you even close?
ANNALISE: I've got $500. Almost.
HILDA: Then you're going to be a very busy girl in the next few days. The closing date is in two days' time.
ANNALISE (shrugs): I'll just get it in later.
HILDA: I'm afraid not. No qualifying funds, no contest. And it would be a bit embarrassing, wouldn't it, if your boyfriend made the line-up and you didn't...?
Annalise visits various neighbours with a collecting tin, but none of Philip, Lou, Debbie, Michael, Cheryl, Brett or Helen are able to come up with much cash.
Annalise is sitting on the couch, looking despondent. Mark joins her and asks if she's been out collecting. Annalise just looks at him pleadingly and points out that *he's* raised stacks; he wouldn't miss some of it... Mark, however, points out that the Paralympians would. Annalise sighs heavily.
Danni is sitting at the table, doing her homework, when Debbie comes in through the back door. She asks where Brett is. Danni shrugs that he's working, she guesses. Debbie then asks Danni if she knows Sassy already has a girlfriend.
DEBBIE: I saw them together. His name's Stone-something – and he knows she's two-timing him. He looks a bit strange, actually.
DEBBIE: I think that Sassy's only using Brett to make this other guy jealous.
Debbie goes on that she doesn't want to see Brett get hurt – and she means physical pain here. Danni asks Debbie why she doesn't tell him.
DEBBIE: He'll think I was jealous or something.
DANNI: You *are*!
Danni then asks if Debbie wants *her* to tell Brett. She sighs heavily.
Annalise counts her qualifying money and realises she only has $545. She then looks across at the stereo and the pile of CDs lying next to it. She walks over to them just as Mark comes in and says he's going to get down to work. He breaks off as he spots Annalise standing there suspiciously.
MARK: What are you up to?
Brett comes in the front door. Danni runs up to him.
DANNI: Boy, am I glad to see you!
BRETT: That's a change!
DANNI: I have to talk to you.
BRETT: It'll have to wait; I have to meet Sassy – and as usual, she won't take ‘no' for an answer.
DANNI (frantically): No, no, no, you can't!
BRETT: Hang on – you wanted me to go with her in the first place.
DANNI: Yeah, well I did, but she's been going out with this Warratah guy—
BRETT (taken-aback): So why'd you push her on *me*?
DANNI: I didn't know. Look, his name's Stonehead or something like that, and rumour has it that he's really, really mad. He's crazy, Brett; he's sicko.
A look of fear crosses Brett's face.
Debbie is telling Philip that Julie won't let her change schools; she hates it at Erinsborough now: all the kids from Warratah are so aggressive and you can't get anything done in class. Philip suggests that she give it a bit of time.
DEBBIE (sighs): Dad, have you *seen* any of them?
PHILIP: Yes, but you can't judge people by their appearance.
DEBBIE: I'm not.
Philip says he gets the feeling there's more to it...
DEBBIE (hesitantly): Maybe... I didn't want to get involved with anyone this year because I fell so behind in my studies after Darren – but then there was this guy... I just need to get away from the whole thing, you know? Please – it's a really important year for me and I just want to start it somewhere new.
Philip, however, insists that the best way to deal with her problem is to face it head-on. Debbie doesn't look impressed.
Annalise is sitting counting money: she's up to $800. Mark comes in and tells her that he's come to get some CDs to take to Paulo's while they're baking tonight. He grabs some of his CDs and then, looking puzzled, says:
MARK: Seen Louis Armstrong?
ANNALISE (nonchalantly): Not in the last half hour...
MARK: And where's Miles Davis?
Mark then demands to know what's going on. Annalise admits that she sold them: she had to raise money for the Red Cross and he doesn't listen to them very much; she was desperate for the cash. Mark points out that she didn't sell any of *her* music.
ANNALISE: Yeah, well, you don't mind some of my stuff, do you?
MARK (retorts): And that makes it all right, huh?
Mark then snaps that he wants all his CDs *back*.
Outside the Coffee Shop
Brett is sitting with Sassy.
BRETT: But if you've been going out with this Stone guy—
SASSY: His real name's Kevin. Isn't that a joke? ‘Stonefish' is much better – you wouldn't believe how he got *that* name.
BRETT (persists): But imagine how he must feel. I mean – we have to tell him what happened last night. Everyone in school knows.
SASSY (shrugs): Who cares? He's history.
At that moment, though, Stonefish walks over to them and snarls:
STONEFISH (indicating Brett): No, Sass - *he* is.
He grabs Brett's collar and yanks him to his feet.
SASSY (cries): Settle down, Stonie.
She has a delighted smile on her face as she says it, though...
STONEFISH (to Brett): Sassy's *my* girl, you little worm – and this time I'm going to make sure you *remember*...
Brett stares at him in horror.