The Scarlet Bar where Max may be On To Something
Boyd tells his father to calm down, but Max realises that he's right about Elle; she wants revenge on his for killing Cameron. How is she always there when something's going on? She was there for the order, the tickets, for the whole Charlie ordeal yesterday...she wants the whole world to think that he's nuts. Boyd thinks that's crazy, but then Max reminds him she's done some crazy things, like drugging Isabelle (crazy, or a Karl and Susan shipper?) and pretending she was dying.

Boyd concedes that it's possible, but tells his father that he needs proof. Max agrees, and asks him not to tell Steph until he's sure.

Number 30 where it looks Really Cold
Ned comes out of his room with a towel, ready to go for a swim. Am I supposed to be impressed with his body? If I am, it goes out the window the second he opens his mouth to tell Toadie he doesn't want any eggs for breakfast.

He leaves by the backdoor, and Boyd comes in with coffee for Toadie. Toadie wants to know if he and Janae have set a date to leave, yet. Boyd wants to know if this is about last night and what he said about Steph; and of course it is. Toadie reminds him that he owns the place (when did he buy the others out?) and the Hoylands are guests, so they should show some respect. Go Toadie, go Toadie...

In the backyard, Ned literally walks into the swimming pool, and emerges holding Carmella. Wow, that must've taken some choreography. Yawn. I think it's supposed to be sexy in a La Dolce Vita way, but instead it's more Shrek. Ned apologises, he didn't see her. Carmella points out that she was underwater, so he wouldn't have.

Thanks for pointing out the obvious.

Is this scene over yet?

No. Because Carmella has to get out. Cue gratuitous swimsuit shot (nice colour, though). Ned says he hasn't been sleeping well, and I want to tell him to take Karl's herbal remedy and accidentally sleep with Dr Herbert, just for fun. And then she could end up a pregnant druggie, and run away to the UK where Ned would follow her, and they could fall into EastEnders where the poor acting, gratuitous body shots and mere depression would fit in well, and I wouldn't have to watch it.

Sadly, he didn't hear me.

Toadie emerges from the house with coffee and breakfast, and asks if Ned wants to tell him anything. He doesn't. So Toadie remarks that he still has feelings for Sister Mary Catherine, which Ned of course, denies, after surreptitiously glancing down at...er, something. Toadie says if it were true, he'd have to kick her out, so she wasn't in the way of temptation. Or in the way of a bad storyline, either.

A newish song starts up with a saxophone in 6 / 8 time, and I want to sing "you don't have to say you love me..." or "hoplessly devoted to youuuuuuuuu..."

But I don't.

The Football Club where no-one says Sudoku Right
Zeke is doing a sudoku. And what really bugs me is that the numbers which have been filled in are INACCURATE. I know, because I paused it, wrote the sudoku out, and completed it. I'm not sure if that makes me more stupid than the director / props department. More obsessed, most definitely. Some of the numbers are right, but the ones which are filled in actually couldn't have been completed first off until other numbers were worked out. Which leads me to believe that they have just copied some random answers from the back of the book into the puzzle.

And they thought no-one would notice. Tsh.

Anyway, Zeke's "mates" come over and make fun of the Geek Kinski. They make fun of Katya, and pronounce sudoku wrong. Harold comes over and asks if Zeke's okay; he promises they're fine, just mucking about. The kids make fun of Harry being his bodyguard, and remark that he has no body TO guard. Susan comes out of the footie place with drinks and watches the conversation.

Zeke tries to impress the guys by talking about Katya's friends coming over, but they laugh at him. He calls out that they don't know how to pronounce sudoku, but unfortunately, neither does he.

Susan tells him not to lie about the models, but Zeke doesn't want to be a loser. Susan reassures him that he's not a loser, and that's the truth - but Zeke doesn't care about that truth. Poor kid. I was bullied my whole way through school, and it's so horrible to feel so excluded. Poor little love.

The Scarlet Bar where Max should learn not to Push It
Paul is reading the paper, and Max stares at him from the bar in a Forrest Gump way. Just stares. Doesn't move. If you squint, he momentarily looks like Kevin Spacey. Paul thinks Max's staring is creepy, so Max retorts that Elle is the creepy one, messing with his mind, moving Charlie out of his bassinet and moving him back. Max says he understands Elle hating him, but she shouldn't mess with his baby son...

Paul loses it. How dare Max accuse Elle of that when he killed Cameron? Paul says he forgave Max to save his own sanity - but he'll never forget, and Max will always be a killer.

Number 30 where I want to die
Stuff happens. I can't remember what.

Oh, alright. Carmella is trying to get in touch with her cousin Theresa. She carries a GIANT basket of washing, which appears to contain only thongs (the G-string type, not flip-flops). Ned walks into the basket, apparently trying to squeeze past, and rescues her knickers. Bet it's not every day he gets to say that.

Carmella suggests he go get dressed, whilst staring at his towel. Thank goodness for Boyd, who rescues the scene, and tells Toadie that he's REALLY sorry about last night. Genuinely. Boyd says that he was stressed out about his father, and he doesn't want anything interfering between his dad and Steph. Toadie reminds him once more that he and Steph are friends, and that means helping her if she needs it.

Boyd says maybe Toadie should just back off for a bit to let the Hoylands sort themselves out. When have the Hoylands ever sorted themselves out? The scripts never allow it. And if they do sort it out, that will only be cut short by Steph discovering that her sister is dying in LA, or Max learning that he has two months to live (until they find a miraculous last minute cure). What's the point?

Number 28
Audrey has one of Karl's jumpers in her mouth, much to Karl's exasperation and won't let go. Katya and Zeke laugh as if they've never seen anything funny before. Karl shouts and shouts, until:

SUSAN: Audrey, drop.

Audrey drops the jumper immediately. Katya reminds Karl that they did warn him about leaving his clothes lying around. Karl remembers he shut the bedroom door, so...Susan! Susan looks sheepish, but admits it can't go on, and she's called a Pet Therapist. Doctor Little. Dorothy Little. Dr D Little, geddit? Yeah, not so funny.

She's coming over this afternoon to help, as Audrey is clearly very stressed.

SUSAN: And the vet said Dr Little is outstanding, especially with dogs.
KARL: Right, and how much does outstanding cost?
SUSAN:
KARL: Susan?
SUSAN: Nin..fsdhgsgdjghsdghsd
KARL: I'm sorry, I didn't quite get that.
SUSAN: Only ninety dollars an hour.
KARL: That's daylight robbery! It would be cheaper to have her put down.
SUSAN: Karl!
KARL: It'd be a mercy killing.

Susan insists they need harmony in the house between all creatures great and small, and they can start by taking Audrey on a walk, the best way for people and dogs to bond. Karl is lagging behind, so Susan calls him to heel.

KARL: You are very lucky that I love you.

Really? Surely it's the other way round?

As the Kennedys leave, Ned comes in and has found Zeke's football in the backyard. Not a real football, I hasten to add. This one is egg-shaped, and clearly more of a rugby ball. (Is rugby the one where you throw backwards? Crazy game.) Anyway, Zeke hadn't cared about it as he's off footie, now, and Ned offers to get him back into it at some point. Ned leaves, and Zeke tells Katya that he's tired of being the puny little weakling, and he tried Katya's idea of telling his "mates" he had hot models wandering around his house, but they didn't buy it.

Katya has an idea...

Number 30. Again.
Ned comes home and wonders if Carmella is still around, which she is, in the kitchen. Toadie tells him to kick her out, but he says he's fine with it. Carmella is on the phone and speaking in Italian (crying).

I speak Italian, so translation for you: "I'm supposed to say what in that new script? I can't take much more of this ridiculous story. I quit. Goodbye."

Okay, so not a literal translation, but I read her body language.

Archiver's note: What Carmella said was, "I don't know where to look for her. Call me if you hear anything."

She's crying, and Ned is conveniently there. She can't find her cousin, no-one's seen her in months. She has to find her and sort things out, or she can never go back to the convent. Ned suggests maybe she shouldn't go back, she could serve God outside the convent, couldn't she? Carmella thinks that Ned doesn't understand (one point to Carmella), and gazes at him.

He strokes her face as I throw up.

The abode of Paul Robinson: entrepreneur, gardener, hotelier & caricature
Harold arrives with a plant. It makes me laugh.

Oooh, three plants. Harry is trying to get Paul to get out and enjoy the gardening thing again, but Paul thinks he's just being a do-gooder, trying to help him to reconnect with life. Despite the fact that Harry tried to kill him, and despite the fact that Harry's family were killed by Paul's crazy estranged son, and despite the fact that Paul has just lost his sane son and is now abusing Harold, they somehow come to an agreement about planting some stuff.

PAUL: Oh, if I help you will you please leave me alone?
HARRY: Oh come on, Paul, you know that isn't my style.

The Scarlet Bar
Max asks to talk to Toadie, and proceeds to tell him he needs a PI's help. Shame Connor's not around. Toadie gives him some numbers and Max refuses to tell him what this is for.

Short and sweet.

Outside Grease Monkeys
Ned tells Toadie that he hasn't chucked Carmella out of the house even though he was going to. Ned confesses that he also told her to leave the convent, and that she was crying. Toadie reassures Ned - any man would fall for a woman tearing up.

What?!

Anyway, Toadie's going to take the job in Sydney, so Ned'll have more room in the house, soon. WHOA! Back up there a moment! Toadie's going to Sydney?! Is this a dig at Fremantle's relocation, perchance?!

Anyway, Toadie's leaving to crank up his career. Maybe he should focus on finishing his qualification that he appeared to gain in a year.

Round the corner, Zeke tells his sister on the phone that they're ready. His "mates" approach him and start to tease him again. Katya drives up in her convertible, and tells Zeke that Misty and Bambi are waiting for him, for a massage. Misty and Bambi? Is this East Croydon? They want almond oil. They apparently like Zeke because of his magic hands. Katya also point out rather lamely that Misty needs help with a diabolical sudoku.

Not sure Zeke would be any help on that one; he couldn't do the 'simple' one earlier.

Katya and Zeke drive off, but not before Katya tells one of Zeke's mates that his flies are undone.

Number 28
Susan is holding Audrey, and Jackie looks as if she's about to crack up. She stands opposite Karl, and Dorothy instructs her to take two steps towards Karl. The third is a step too far, as Audrey starts growling. Apparently, Audrey harbours considerable anger towards Karl.

You think?

Karl makes fun of her diagnosis, so Susan mouths at him to shut up. The therapist reminds Karl that dogs are highly sensitive.

DOROTHY: The last time you lived in this house, Audrey witnessed your slide into binge drinking, your affair with a younger woman, the constant fighting with Mrs Kinskiennedy. In short, she associates you with misery and suffering. Not to mention the time you tried to run over her in your car.

Karl is giving Susan the evil eye throughout, whilst she clamps her lips together and looks in any direction but his. Dorothy tells Karl he has to prove to Audrey that he's not a threat to the harmony of the household. And her telephone rings. In the background Susan mouths at Karl: "I had to tell her!"

DOROTHY: Have you tried singing to him? Humming is not singing my dear. Biggles needs to hear the words. What about a bit of country? Something by Dolly Parton. Perfect. Joelene. Lovely song.

She puts the phone down.

DOROTHY: Sorry about all that. Bit of an ongoing issue with a bipolar guinea pig.

Dorothy puts Audrey on the floor and tells Karl to get down on all fours to approach Audrey on her level and apologise for all his past wrongs. Reluctantly, Karl does as he's told, and Dorothy pats his head. Susan is loving it.

This scene is almost cute. Unfortunately, it looks like TPTB are so desperately trying to recreate Karl and Susan's banter, they've gone a little too far and are forcing it. You don't need to write a funny script, or give the Kennedys funny situations. Their banter came from day to day situations, *that's* when they're funniest. This is just a little TOO contrived.

Still, it's more amusing than Ned, so for that I'm thankful.

The garden of Number 22
Paul and Harold water in the plants. Paul tells Harry that he's selling 40% of Lassiters; it's time to pull back a bit, spend some time with Elle.

Really short scene. Hmmm.

Number 28
Karl is telling Audrey that he loves her and Susan and will never hurt them again. Dorothy thinks he should put more feeling into it, and gets him to try again. And again.

DOROTHY: Now, reach out and gently stroke Mrs Kinskiennedy on the shoulder.

For some reason, that made me laugh out loud.

He tries to transfer the stroke to Audrey's head, but she's a little growly. So Dorothy gives him homework. Karl must translate his love into actions. Preparing romantic dinners for Susan. Outings with Susan. And things more physical.

If this the physical stuff is homework, Karl and Susan already have a PhD.

Dorothy suggests making a time for next week, but Karl insists they'll be in touch instead. As she leaves, Dorothy asks Karl to repeat a motto; on correct completion, she gives him a treat.

SUSAN: That is the best ninety bucks I have ever spent.

And with the treat still in his mouth, Karl reckons they need some homework practice and they kiss. And again. And again. And Audrey wags her tail and sits on the floor.

Maybe this is a good time for Susan to mention that Isabelle has left the street and is pregnant with Karl's child?

Lassiters Park
The bench is in the wrong place, and Max sits on it, chin a-wobbling. They do that odd camera thing where the perspective of the background changes, yet Max remains in the middle unmoving. It's weird and makes me feel dizzy. He remembers the CameronCrash again. Boyd approaches his father and sees him crying - there's an actual tear, too.

Boyd sits on the mis-placed bench and Max insists he's fine before breaking down in sobs as Boyd shuffles nearer and puts his arm around him.

Annoyingly, the audio of Max sobbing is dubbed over a long camera shot, and is clearly not from the same take. I hate it when they do that.

Number 30. Why???
Carmella stands on the veranda in a pink dressing gown...isn't that Elle's? Ned wanders out and suggests that maybe she shouldn't live here anymore, give herself some room to think. She gets all upset and 'don't you want me here?' so he confesses that he can't stop thinking about her.

He wants to touch her, hold her - it's driving him crazy. She admits it's driving her crazy, too. And it's also driving me crazy, although I suspect not in the same way.

They kiss.

Whatever.