General Store Kitchen
Toadie and Lou scheme to bait Connor on his latest Internet scam. Lou will set the trap via his laptop and Toadie will reel him in.

Harold wanders in and happily comments that Gabby is "one in a million, eh" while watching her through the kitchen window. Lou is worried that Harold's judgement is being clouded because she looks so much like Kerry, but Harry insists that isn't the case. Oh but it is.

Number 30
Stu walks in with a box full of stuff he won't need anymore now that he has fully functioning eyeballs. Like the voice-recognition phone that appears like a masterfully planted plot point.

STU: (whispers into phone) Toadie.
TOADIE: (answering his mobile behind Stu) Hello? Jarrod Rebecchi...
STU: Hi, is a Mr Jarse there? First name, Hugh?

Connor gets all excited because someone bid on his friendship, a whole $6.80. Toadie slyly lets Stu in on Lou's joke then pretends that it's a big deal to Connor. Apparently a guy called 'Patrick' (Harvey perhaps...) has a sick brother called 'Danny'. His brother's dying wish is to have the song Danny Boy played and dedicated to him in public (a song his mother in Ireland used to sing him), therein landing Connor a pal for life. Connor wonders how the bidder knew he was Irish but Toadie lies and says he added more information in before hastily hitting the accept button. "No! I... Why did he do that?" whimpers the Irish lad.

Scarlet Bar
Susan is excitedly telling Sindi all the plans her and Gary are making. Like this meal at a restaurant they're going to book that's made entirely out of chocolate. Chocolate pasta, chocolate sandwiches... chocolate... glarrrrrgh Um, where was I? Oh yes, Sindi freaks out because Gary is on his way.

SINDI: You're meeting him now?
SUSAN: Hello! Two week pay top, new earrings, couldn't you tell?

Susan also breathily adds that the whole chocolate thing better work in her favour, seeing as it's an aphrodisiac and all that. Gary's been waiting ("What for? Written permission?" Sindi snarks), but Susan just wants him to make a move already. Ooh, you may just take Lynnie's 'saucy minx' crown there, Suse! Sindi's a little weirded out and tries to persuade her to really think about what she wants but Gary chooses that moment to arrive.

SUSAN: Shh, duck's on the pond.
SINDI: There are ducks?

Duckman, aka Gary, aka Santa Claus' long lost twin joins their table, which causes Sindi to make a hasty exit.

General Store
Lou gets off the phone from Toadie; as long as he can get Connor to Lassiter's, Lou will provide the audience. He then says to Harold that he's taking time off that afternoon for business and if he can hold the fort. Gabby, aka NotKerry says she can look after the place, she's happy for the overtime. "I'm on a savings plan so you'd both be doing me a favour."

LOU: You ought to get out more, meet some people.
HAROLD: Ah, you'll get plenty of that working here. You'll be one of the family in no time.

NotKerry reveals that she's saving for a trip to Darwin. Nothing is keeping her in Shepparton anymore since her mum died from cancer and the bank repossessed the house, so she's making the trip across the states to be with her estranged father (who shot through a long while back), because he's the only family she's got now. Are you related to Steph as well, NotKerry? She's had as much bad luck as you.

Harold makes an excuse to go to the kitchen because he's a bit distressed, making NotKerry look worried. "His wife died of pancreatic cancer a few years ago. AND YOU LOOK LIKE HIS DAUGHTER!" Lou explains... except for that last capitalized bit. NotKerry can't believe she put her foot in it. "Don't worry, love. You weren't to know... THAT YOUR STEP-MUM DIED AND YOU LOOK LIKE HAROLD'S DAUGHTER!"

Number 30
Connor is half-heartedly warming up the 'ol tin whistle whilst wearing a green rugby top matched with coattails. He's not feeling very confident but Toadie reminds him to think about the sick kid he'll be making very happy.

Meanwhile, Sindi is explaining her Susan/Gary dilemma to Stu out in the hallway.

SINDI: What do you think I should do?
STU: Tell Susan, get it out in the open and move on. You had your reasons for what you did; I'll stand up for you.
SINDI: ... I can't do it.
STU: Well don't say anything and learn to live with it.
SINDI: Are you crazy?
STU: Fine! Don't expect me to solve your problems.
SINDI: I'm not!
STU: You asked me what to do.
SINDI: Yeah, rhetorically.

(Stu rolls his eyes in frustration - they work now, see! Cause Stu sure can!)

He takes her mobile phone off her she's been clutching and after some squinting he says she's got a "tess message" (it was 'text' but with all the chips Blair's been scoffing in this scene he's having lack of saliva pronunciation issues...). It's Jacinta, Carmella's replacement at the magazine. She causes Sindi to panic by moving a deadline forward two days, thus getting her to exit the HoT in a fluster. "Carmella come back!" (No Sindi, I recapped that last week. Today it's 'Mixing Messages').

"What is it with chicks?" Stu bemoans, joining his mates in the lounge room. He's hesitant to share the sordid Sindi/Gary/Susan story at first, but after dropping a chip on the floor and retrieving it in front of the voice recognition phone he says, "Susan" (causing the phone to dial Suse's mobile), "this new guy that she's seeing, he's bad news."

That's a clever plot contrivance. I like it.

Scarlet Bar
Susan's mobile rings, interrupting her conversation with GaryClaus. She doesn't answer it though but instead switches it to message bank. Or something. I can't work out my own blatant Nokia let alone Susan's. Anyhoo, she resumes gazing adoringly into GaryClaus' beard eyes.

Number 30
In that short amount of time Stu has relayed the entire tale to Connor and Toadie... and the voice recognition phone. Chat, chat, chat... beans are spilt... chat, chat, chat... until Connor realises the phone is on. Stu at first thinks someone has rang him then bulges his eyes cartoon style (he can see!) when he finds out he accidentally rang Susan. "Oh, crikey!"

Number 30
Stu's on the phone to Sindi explaining what just happened as she bursts through the door in disbelief. They hang up and resume their chat in person.

SINDI: (the secret) slipped out? Now what are we going to do?
STU: Is that a rhetorical question?

Heh. Sindi believes there are going to be corpses lying around everywhere when the truth comes out but Stu says she'll just have to take whatever is coming to her. "Unless..." Sindi ponders, "if nobody picked up the phone when you called her it must have gone to message bank. Which means she may not have heard the message yet." Eureka, 99. Sindi high tails it out of there to go steal Susan's phone.

Connor and Toadie walk back in with Connor still fretting about his upcoming music performance. Toadie reassures him he'll be fine as Connor settles on a jaunty beret to wear, just to cap off the ensemble. Connor? Carson from Queer Eye called. He says to say, 'Are you insane? That look is totally last season!'

Stu and Toad tell him that they'll be there to support him. Connor's chuffed cause he loves them like brothers! Aw, group hug!

Lassiter's Complex
Lou is paying two random extras some money to give Connor hell when he starts his show. He also rustles up some more non-speaking folk. "Why don't you stick around, ay? I've got it on good authority a local Irish balladeer is about to give an impromptu concert." Instead of slowly backing away with fear in their eyes the extras are all like, 'An Irish balladeer? That's totally awesome! This I got to see!' Oh you wacky extras.

Harold calls Lou over for a word, not looking very impressed. David's been in his ear again about selling up his house. Lou thinks that David is doing him a favour by letting him know what's happening in Ramsay Street early on, but our Harold, he's not going down without a fight. "I'm not going to be bullied into this. This is my home we're talking about." Lou can only see the "bricks and mortar", but it's so much more to Harry. "Bricks and mortar that hold the memory of my life with Madge."

SindirunsbyreallyfastinthebackgroundtogetSusan'sphone,zooooooooooom!

Lou apologises for being ignorant as Harold walks off.

Scarlet Bar
Sindi makes a beeline for where Susan and GaryClaus are sitting, plonking herself down for a drink and a chat. Susan makes death eyes at Sindi for interrupting them. Girlfriend, you is best be believing you is crashing on my date, yo.

Lassiter's Complex
Lou offers two random kids (they're overtaking the main cast! Max isn't on an oil rig, he's been kidnapped by random extras) an ice cream cone each because they're the customers of the day. He promises them more treats if they stay sitting where they are - thus giving Lou, Danny, the "sick kid" Connor is going to sing to.

The HoT posse make their way over so Lou hobbles away and hides by the side of the General Store. Connor gives a feeble wave to FauxDanny who is chowing down on the free ice cream before starting to twinkle away on the tin whistle. The paid random extras start to make all sorts of animal noises to put him off and Faux Danny is like, 'The hell? I didn't order no Irish balladeer.'

Connor makes his introductions and starts to play Danny Boy amidst all the mooing and whatnot from the RE's. Toadie and Stu encourage him to keep playing when he stops.

Faux Danny wipes his hand up his nose and all over his mug.

TOADIE: Look, he just wiped away a tear!

Connor? Plays. RE's? Sound like a farm. Faux Danny and friend? Shove ice cream down their gobs. Toadie and Stu? Sneakily giggle behind Connor's back. Lou? Laughs heartily and dastardly from his secret hidey-hole.

General Store
NotKerry is commiserating with Harold's house-selling predicament as Harry's mobile rings. It's Stu; he wants Harold to know the truth about GaryClaus too. Nah, it's Lil filling Tata in about Sky and Boyd running away from the hospital.

"Bad news?" NotKerry enquires when Harold hangs up. "Yes, YOUR DAUGHTER... my granddaughter and her boyfriend have gone missing." NotKerry offers to look after the place for him and Harold gratefully accepts, leaving his phone number in case of emergency. "Thank you, thank you so much, KERRY, MY LOVELY GENEROUS DAUGHTER."

Scarlet Bar
Sindi looks on as Susan and GaryClaus have a dance over the other side of the room.

GARYCLAUS: Is it just me, or is Sindi beginning to feel like a fifth wheel?

Is it just me, or can you not count, GaryClaus? Sindi, having taken spy lessons from Izzy, fishes around in Susan's handbag for her phone. She tries to erase all evidence of the message but Susan walks over interrupting her so she holds it on her lap. Yep, you definitely have been taking spy lessons from Izzy. Susan announces her and GaryClaus are leaving but notices that Sindi is holding her phone. Ooh, looky! She's got a message too. Wonder who that's from?

GaryClaus goes to pay the bill. Sindi fidgets and says she feels sick while Susan registers what the message is all about. "They're talking about Gary... about you and Gary..."

Scarlet Bar
Susan asks if what she heard is true and Sindi tearfully tells her she just couldn't find the right moment to tell her who Gary really was. She says that she thought he'd been open about his past already but Susan replies he didn't name any names. GaryClaus hesitantly walks back when he hears the tone of the conversation. He starts to talk but Susan shushes him to focus back on Sindi.

SUSAN: Why didn't you tell me? You share my house, you share my confidence. You knew I was getting more and more involved.
SINDI: I only wanted what was best for you.
SUSAN: Oh you didn't, Sindi. You wanted what was best for you.

Sindi says she's sorry before fleeing out of there. GaryClaus says to Susan that he said his past wasn't perfect but Suse replies with a priceless, "Yeah whatever," before fleeing like Sindi. GaryClaus somehow gets her to stop though. It's the magic Christmas dust.

Lassiter's Complex
Connor's still playing, Lou's still laughing, we're still in the Melbourne Zoo with all the animal sounds, and this scene is Groundhog Day. Oh, except for Sindi running out of the Scarlet Bar back home and Faux Danny and friend look bored having gluttoned down their treat. Thus, they leave.

Connor wants to know whom he gives his friendship to now as Lou walks over to pay him his $6.80. Stu and Toadie commend Lou on his "excellent get". Connor finds out this was Lou getting him back for the internet dating scheme he pulled a while back.

CONNOR: So Jaguar, is this the bitter stench of revenge is it?
LOU: You bet it is, mate. You can call it closure if you prefer.

Oh, I do believe there will be some more pranks a brewing before the day is nigh. Mark my words. Toadie and Stu laugh an evil panto laugh in Connor's sad little face.

Scarlet Bar
GaryClaus is trying to plead his case with Susan but she's not buying his games for a minute. She wants to know why he didn't tell her the truth when he realised Sindi was her friend.

GARYCLAUS: I don't know... I don't want to lose you, Susan.
SUSAN: And I don't want to save you, Gary.
GARYCLAUS: I need you.
SUSAN: No you don't, you don't need me, you need a psychiatrist. That's what you should be spending your money on, pal. (Walks out)

Woo! Oprah-sized 'You go, girlfriend! Susan's in da house!' for our girl there, everyone! Bye GaryClaus, I hear the North Pole is nice this time of year.

Number 30
Connor is playing the tin whistle while Toadie belches along with the tune. Stu is sound asleep on the couch. Uh-oh. The other two make chit chat about the shenanigans that went down that day and Connor laments that no one appreciates the fine art he brings to this country. They look over at Stu once more.

TOADIE: He's dead to the world, isn't he?
CONNOR: Yeah.

(Toadie pokes Stu's cheek and they laugh)

CONNOR: He's asking for it, isn't he?
TOADIE: Yep!

They jump up to create mischief.

We've leapt ahead a few minutes and the two boys have now donned surgical masks and gloves... and they've also got some shaving cream. Toadie wipes some on Stu's goatee and goes to shave it, but chickens out. But then he gets his nerve again and off it comes in one foul, hairy swoop! Sindi walks in just in time to witness this with a loud, gasping, "NO!" The boys look guilty.

Goodbye young chin fluff. You can savour flavour no more.

General Store
Harold's back from his house and NotKerry says that Sky sounds like a smart girl (SHE MUST GET IT FROM ME) and that Boyd will be in good hands that means. NotKerry also says that Harold should send out his feelers and phone around some places just to make sure no one has seen them.

HAROLD: That's a good idea, thank you, Kerry.
NOTKERRY: Um, it's Gabby.
HAROLD: Of course Gabby, I'm so sorry.
NOTKERRY: Harold... who's Kerry?

Harold looks sad. YOU'RE KERRY! But not... BUT YOU ARE IN A WAY! Except not... EXCEPT YOU TOTALLY ARE! ... Not.