Piper is sitting in Harold's.
PIPER: Hey guys! I've got some very exciting news. I'm an aunt, again, this time to a little boy, my little nephew, my little bubba...his name is Gabe. The point of my story is how it happened. Almost unbelievably.
She laughs.
PIPER: So, my older sister got pregnant...to the priest. Which is...very biblical. The baby was conceived in a shed...and then, she gave birth to the baby in the shed, again. Which is *kind* of like a manger if you think about it. Which made me question, is my nephew Jesus? Or Jesus 2.0? Which kind of make me...God, in a way...
Just then, Callum leans in to shot.
CALLUM: Hi!
PIPER: Wow!!
CALLUM: IS this a vlog? Are we vlogging? Is this what's happening?
PIPER:(laughs) Yes...!
CALLUM: Can I just jump in on this? Hi...world...of interwebs...!
PIPER: We have even, like, met properly, but I know who you are, this is so weird.
CALLUM: Hi, I'm Callum.
PIPER: I'm Piper...
They shake hands.
PIPER: ...you're Sonya's son.
CALLUM: Oh, and you're one of Brad's many, many children!
PIPER: So, you knew that I vlogged!
CALLUM: I do, actually, yes, I've actually seen some of your stuff from the States.
PIPER: Get out!
CALLUM: Yeah, no, they have the Internet there now!
Piper laughs.
CALLUM: It's really wild!
Piper points at the camera.
PIPER: Oh my God, do you want to be in it?
CALLUM: You and I?
PIPER: Like...
CALLUM: I would love!
PIPER: Yes!
CALLUM: So, collab!
Caption: Pipe Up (with baby noises)
PIPER: Hi, again, guys, I am joined here with...
She waits for Callum to speak.
CALLUM: Oh, is that all the introduction I'm getting? Callum is my name, yes.
PIPER: Callum is my name, I thought you were about to go into a rap.
CALLUM:(rapping) Callum is my name, rhyming is my game, I cannot rap, I'm pretty...bad at it.
They laugh.
PIPER: Anyway, I was talking about babies.
CALLUM: I just had to interrupt because you were making comments that could be seen as blasphemous online...
PIPER: No!
Caption: *In no way do I think I'm God.
CALLUM: Well...
PIPER: Well, if you hadn't interrupted me, I would have got to my point, which was...the age old question of...'What do babies do?' Because I don't know. Do you have any points, tips, hacks? Do you have any hacks?
CALLUM: Baby hacks?
PIPER: Baby hacks.
CALLUM: OK, baby hacks. Well, I mean, they don't really *do* much.
PIPER: Yeah, what do they *do*.
CALLUM: Well, that's the thing. Like, before they become, like, children, and have their own independent ideas...
PIPER: They're like spuds...
CALLUM: Yes, they are, they're potatoes.
PIPER: Loaves of bread...
CALLUM: With...yeah.
They both mime a baby.
CALLUM: ...literally.
PIPER: If your child's making that noise, they might be choking...
CALLUM: Baby hack, don't let your baby choke! That's number one!
Piper is laughing.
CALLUM: Number two, fire, keep it away from them.
PIPER: I heard that, that they were flammable!
CALLUM: Yeah, they *are*, it's a weird thing! When they sleep, it's during the day, and during the night, they cry, from about 10pm to 7am, they're like...
He imitates a baby crying.
CALLUM:(to an off-screen customer) I'm sorry, it's for a vlog!
Piper laughs.
PIPER: Babies poo a lot.
CALLUM: They do.
PIPER: And *weird* poo, like, not *normal* poo...
CALLUM: But you know why? It's because they don't eat solids, the thing is, they're eating two things. Milk, which is liquid. Mashed banana, which is...like...not solid...but...
PIPER: I think we should do an experiment and live off milk and mashed banana...
CALLUM: I wouldn't do that.
PIPER: ...and see if you poo like a baby!
CALLUM: Don't do that, you'll have such low nutritional value in that...
PIPER: Like, anaemic...do it for the views!
They are both laughing.
CALLUM AND PIPER: Do it for the views!
CALLUM: Babies on aeroplanes.
PIPER: Don't let that happen!
CALLUM: No, there was one baby that kept crying on my trip here, and, it stank!
PIPER: Is there somewhere to put diapers on a plane? Do you flush it down the toilet?
CALLUM: A bag, I guess, carry on...
PIPER: Oh my God!
CALLUM: Well, you can't flush it!
PIPER: Comment down below if you know what do you do with used diapers on a plane.
CALLUM: Yeah, this is actually something I would like to know!
PIPER: Anyway, guys, thank you so much for watching this week's episode...if you haven't already, hit the subscribe button. If you want to see Callum back, say, um, #bringbackcallum, yeah!
CALLUM: I like the sound of that, yeah!
PIPER: So, you watch my channel...how do I normally sign off?
CALLUM: You say goodbye in another language...
Piper clicks her fingers.
PIPER: Would you love to do the honours if you know one?
CALLUM: Oohh...oohh...mmm...I know one, but I'm really bad at pronouncing the language...Qapla...Qapla...
PIPER: What are you doing?!
CALLUM: It's from Star Trek...
PIPER: Oh, my God!
CALLUM: It's Klingon, I do believe.
PIPER: Well, I've never done that.
He makes the sign of Mr Spock.
CALLUM: Can you do one of them?
Piper makes the sign too.
CALLUM: No, don't, because that's Vulcan!
He laughs loudly.
CALLUM: Tricked her!
PIPER: You're a nerd.
Callum looks a little offended.
