Previously on Neighbours
- Sheila finds out that Karl is erotic story writer EM Williams, and spreads the word
- When Susan is teased about Karl's story by her pupils, she tells Karl to put a stop to it
- Paige smashes up Harold's Store, and Terese reports evidence of Paige's guilt to Matt
- When questioned by Matt, Paige admits to him and Lauren that she was responsible
Erinsborough Police Station
While Matt taps away at a computer, Paige is hanging around at the station, with Mark on hand to lend some moral support. Lauren comes in and asks if it's really necessary for the police to be pursuing Paige's vandalism of Harold's.
MATT: I have to follow protocol.
MARK: She confessed! Just give her a warning.
MATT: That would be easier if it were her first offence. Shoplifting, vandalism. She has a record.
Paige admits she's done things she isn't proud of in the past, and says she'll cop whatever's coming. Matt tells her they need to interview her about the Harold's incident, and Lauren offers to sit in. Paige agrees, and the three of them head into the interview room, while Mark watches.
Terese has told Brad that Paige has been arrested for smashing up Harold's, and reluctantly admits that she was the one who reported her – claiming she had an obligation to act as head of operations of the Lassiter's Complex.
BRAD: Don't give me that! Your obligation to me should come first.
TERESE: It does! But if Paige can trash Harold's on top of her lies and deceits, what else is she capable of?!
Brad storms out to see what's happening with Paige, telling Terese to stay behind – she's done enough.
Kyle and Georgia are picking songs for their wedding, with crucial input from Sonya and Nell. Georgia is in the middle of singing ‘Amazing Kyle' (basically ‘Amazing Grace', but with Kyle instead of Grace) when she's struck by a coughing fit. Assuming it's simply a cold (hasn't she lived in soap- land for long enough yet?) Sonya goes to fetch Georgia a herbal remedy, and Georgia continues to cough.
While Sheila and a pair of extras stare at him from across the bar, Karl is telling Toadie all about Susan's demand for him to shut down his foray into writing erotica.
KARL: I'm starting a cop it at work. This morning, a woman from admin propositioned me. And then an orderly started dropping bandages and winking at me. I'll never look at a roll of absorbent gauze in the same way again.
Toadie effectively tells Karl he only his himself to blame, given what he wrote. Sheila brings two pints to the table, and informs Karl that they've been paid for by the two extras who are still ogling him.
SHEILA: I get the impression they want to get to know you.
TOADIE: I guess you're just going to have to accept it, EM Williams!
SHEILA: They meant both of you. You can have quite a lot of fun with a doughnut cushion apparently.
TOADIE: That's disgusting! I'm starting to see the problem now.
KARL: Yeah, tell them thanks but no thanks.
Sheila takes the drinks away.
KARL: See what I mean? Susan's got a relative coming to visit us soon – he's Alex Kinski's nephew. What's he going to think of all this?
Alex Kinski, for newer viewers' information, was Susan's now- deceased husband during a period of separation from Karl, and the father of her stepchildren Katya, Rachel and Zeke. But we digress. Karl's desperate for a way to shut down the publicity from his story, and Toadie suggests they claim he's been covering for the real author.
KARL: And who would that be?
TOADIE: Dunno. We're just going to have to find the one person in Erinsborough who wouldn't mind taking credit for an erotic short story.
Lou walks in, fresh from his travels in Cambodia.
LOU: Hello, fellas! Good to be back! Usual please, Sheila.
Karl and Toadie look at Lou and smile.
Erinsborough Police Station
Paige explains to Lauren and Matt why she trashed the store – essentially because Lauren didn't invite her in for tea in the middle of a family crisis – her reasoning seeming even flimsier now than it did at the time. There's tension between Matt and Lauren as he warns her to let him ask the questions.
LAUREN: If I'd known who you were, I never would have turned you away.
PAIGE: I know. But at the time, I just – I lost it. I am so sorry.
Lauren comforts Paige, and tells Matt this whole situation is unfair. He looks uncomfortable.
Toadie and Karl try to talk Lou into pretending that he is EM Williams. Hearing about all the attention it's likely to attract from the ladies, he doesn't take much convincing – especially when Toadie offers him a percentage of the prize money from the short story contest to give to his charity. Karl leaves to spread the news that Lou is the author after all.
Kathy comes in with Bailey, for a hot chocolate, and Lou is surprised and annoyed to see her back in town. They explain there's something they need to tell him.
Erinsborough Police Station
Matt gives Paige a written copy of her statement to sign. Brad has now arrived too, and seems a little more annoyed than Lauren about what Paige has been up to. But Lauren says she'll explain everything on the way home.
Mark accuses Matt of not needing to have brought Paige in straight away, given that he knows where she lives. But Matt says he had to act immediately because of his personal involvement.
LAUREN: You could have pulled her aside. You didn't need to humiliate her in Harold's.
MATT: I am just doing my job.
Lauren wants to take Paige back to the Turners', but she says she's going to hang out with Mark tonight instead. Paige and Mark leave. Matt tries to talk to Lauren before she goes, but she gives him the silent treatment, before leaving with Brad.
Paige and Mark come in for dinner. Paige asks Mark why he's siding with her, given her self- confessed criminality and his ex- cop status.
MARK: Look. Before Kate, I saw everything as black and white. But after she died, even I did some things that crossed the line.
But Paige is still down on herself, saying people who really know her don't like her, and get sick of her. She counts her adopted parents among these people, and says the same will happen with Brad and Lauren – and to Mark. But Mark says he has a high tolerance for pain, and points out how supportive Lauren and Brad were this evening. Paige agrees – though adds that she can't say the same for Matt.
Lauren has explained to Bailey, Lou and Kathy about Paige having been arrested for trashing the store – and Lou now knows that Paige is Lauren's daughter. Matt comes in, welcoming Lou home. Lou immediately asks why Matt is unnecessarily dragging Paige through police proceedings; he again says he's only doing his job, but Lauren still looks annoyed with him. Matt goes to bed, and Lauren invites Kathy to stay at the house, as it's too late to go back to the hotel.
LAUREN: And not a word from you, Dad!
LOU: Didn't say a thing (!)
Bailey offers up his bedroom to Kathy, and he shows her the way. Meanwhile, Lou wants to know why Lauren didn't tell him what was going on with Paige sooner. She says she didn't want to tear him away from Mai Ling. She adds that she still hasn't said anything to Matt about her kiss with Brad, and Lou seems to disapprove of this. Lauren says things have been complicated, and Lou says he wants the full story.
Terese is drinking wine alone when Brad comes in. He's obviously annoyed with her for grassing up Paige to the police, and goes straight to bed. Terese looks sadly at a framed picture of herself with Brad, Josh and Imogen.
Lauren has filled Lou in on everything that happened while he was away. Kathy comes in – she's been having a bit of pain and can't sleep, so a concerned Lauren rushes off to find her medication.
KATHY: What have you two been talking about?
LOU: What do you think?!
KATHY: I hope she's not looking to you for good advice.
LOU: You can talk (!)
KATHY: I've tried to make up for my mistakes.
LOU: Really, Kath? You know, wherever you go, trouble seems to follow you. You should've stayed up in Queensland. You'd do less damage that way.
In the morning, Lou is giving all of the family miniature Buddha statues that he brought back from Cambodia. Bailey gets the ‘wisdom' Buddha; Matt gets the ‘patience and understanding' Buddha; Lauren's is the ‘medicinal' Buddha; and Amber's is nondescript, because she's not in this episode.
LAUREN: Yes, apparently she thinks ‘study day' means ‘lazy day'!
LOU: Kath, if I'd known you'd be here…
KATHY: … You wouldn't have got me anything. Look, I'm fine – I spent years living with a fat little man. I don't need replicas of you now.
Kathy and Bailey go to sort out the bed, while Lou suddenly spots an article in the West Waratah Star that concerns him. When Lauren asks about it, he's cagey, and rushes off to read it in his room. Matt comes off the phone from his supervisor; he explains the charges against Paige can be dropped, provided that the owner of the premises agrees – or in this case, his representative, Terese. Lauren thinks Brad will talk her round.
MATT: It's not as simple as that. Terese has been trying to get something on Paige ever since she found out who she was.
LAUREN: How did you know about that?
Lauren and Brad confront Terese with Matt's allegation that she's deliberately been going after Paige. Terese refuses to apologise for acting to protect her family, and Lauren accuses her of feeling threatened by Paige.
TERESE: Hold on! This is not about me! This is about Paige's dishonest, volatile behaviour!
As they continue to row, Lauren lets slip that Paige has an existing criminal record.
LAUREN: Look, it's nothing. It's teenage rebellion stuff.
TERESE: Well I'm sorry. But until we know who Paige is, I'm leaving it up to the police.
Brad and Lauren looks annoyed.
An annoyed Lou confronts Toadie (still clutching his doughnut cushion for his broken coccyx) and Karl about the article in the Star, outing him as EM Williams! Karl admits he rang the paper last night. But Lou tells them he's changed his mind about taking the credit for the erotic story, after finding out all the grief his family's been going through while he's been away. Karl reminds him of the charity money he's earning from it, when Sheila arrives.
SHEILA: Well, well. Talk about a dark horse! I thought the only thing you could write was an IOU for your bar tab! But to write something like that, something halfway decent – well, you couldn't have made that up. Must have got it from that time you spent as a gigolo.
Lou grudgingly goes along with the charade, but Sheila wants to know why Karl took the credit initially.
LOU: The attention, wasn't it? He doesn't get much anymore.
Karl says he made the claim to impress Susan, and all of them call him pathetic!
Georgia teases Karl about the revelation that Lou is EM Williams. He claims that Lou asked Karl to cover for him what with the dramas the Turners were going through, which is why Karl said he wrote the book.
GEORGIA: Then, why the article?
KARL: Oh, well. You know Lou. Loves the attention. Why, don't you think he could have written it?
GEORGIA: I don't really want to think about that at all.
Karl asks after Georgia's sore throat, having been given the heads- up by Kyle. Despite Georgia's protestations that she's fine, he books her in for a check- up.
Terese confronts Matt about telling Lauren and Brad of her plans to dig dirt on Paige, but he's unapologetic. Terese insists they can't trust Paige now they know she has a criminal record, but Matt seems dismissive, and tells Terese to handle it her way, while he handles it his. As she returns to the house, Terese is approached by Paige, asking if they can talk.
PAIGE: Listen, I know you don't like me. But can't we just sort this out?
TERESE: Really? You had so many opportunities to speak up but you didn't. And I can't help thinking that if Kathy hadn't figured it out, you'd still be lying today.
PAIGE: No, I wouldn't!
TERESE: Look, I'm not Brad and Lauren. So I don't have this – this guilt debt to you. But I'm not going to turn a blind eye to what you've done.
PAIGE: So that's it?
TERESE: If you want trust, you need to earn it.
Terese marches off and Paige rolls her eyes.
Kathy and Lou are waiting for Paige to arrive. Kathy warns him to make an effort with her.
KATHY: I know how petty you can be.
LOU: Says the woman who just criticised my shirt!
Paige comes in, and Lauren introduces her to Lou – who quickly reveals he's her grandfather.
Georgia moans to Karl about how unnecessary this all is as he gives her a check- up for her cough, which she admits she's had for at least three days. But having shone the little torchy thing in her mouth, he feels something in her neck – and starts his usual routine of pretending everything's hunky dory while casually booking her in for a biopsy.
GEORGIA: So it is serious?
KARL: Well, we'll just wait for the test results.
GEORGIA: Karl, I'm not a random off the street. I know you wouldn't be doing a biopsy if you weren't worried.
KARL: And you also know that we don't jump to conclusions, until we've got the test results.
Georgia clutches her neck pensively.
Tomorrow on Neighbours
- Sheila is having some rather bizarre daydreams, and sinks a bottle of water to calm herself down
- Lou attacks Kathy for her role in Paige's illegal adoption
- Kyle overhears Karl and Georgia talking about her biopsy
As of today, Paige Smith (Olympia Valance) joins the regular cast in the closing credits.