Harold is thrilled to see Lolly, wondering how long she'll stay.
Karl telling Susan that Katya's in hospital – she's been beaten up.
Paul suggests to Janelle he buy her out of Lassiters – for a million dollars.
Dyl and Elle return from a big day out that Dylan certainly enjoyed. He gets a little to close to Elle for her father's liking, and Paul curtly tells him goodnight. Elle tells her father she's grateful he got rid of Dylan because she has a new love interest – Will Griggs. Yawn. Can't anyone stay in a relationship for more than five seconds, anymore? But hey, maybe I mis-watched all that, because it turns out that Elle knows that Will has a two per cent share in Lassiters, and she knows that her father has been trying to get her to date him, too, so that he can take control of Lassiters again.
Harry's House where there's a Kennedy of the Famous Variety
Lou has misplaced Lolly, and Harold doesn't know where she is, either. Lou is concerned that Louise might not like it here in Erinsborough:
LOU: Yeah, well, she might think she landed in a house with two old men and an ex-nun.
Errr – but she has, so her thinking it wouldn't be so wrong, would it? Anyway. Lou is about to go hunt for his daughter when, as if with perfect scripted timing, she walks in the door declaring that something smells good. She tells her father that she's been to the shops, and she's bought something special for Harold – a book on JFK, as some compensation for the fact that she spilt a drink on his signed letter from JFK all those years ago. Aw, well, that's a nice little reminder of episode 3620, for anyone who cares.
There's a knock at the door, and it's Susan and Victoria Beckham. Or it could be Rachel; it's hard to tell. Lou introduces Lolly to Rach (good to have that confirmed) then Susan asks if Rachel can stay whilst she and Karl go to visit Katya – it's her police interview. The girls look decidedly unthrilled to have to stay and get on with each other.
The Scarlet Bar where Janelle Might Want To Be A Millionaire
Carmella and Dylan are chatting, and Carmy admits that she's learned Will's secret. She can't trust him.
CARMELLA: And without trust, what have you got?
DYLAN: Lust. It rhymes with trust.
A good education not wasted on a Timmins, then. Mind you, he has a point about the lust thing – Susan's a good example of that. Carmella doesn't want Dylan's advice, but he gives it anyway: “get over yourself.”
On another table Scott is telling his mother that a million bucks isn't everything. The moral part of me agrees. The rest of me just wants the money. Paul comes up and asks Janelle what she thinks about the offer.
JANELLE: Our share is worth way more than that.
In the manner of Chris ‘But-We-Don't-Want-To-Give-You-That' Tarrant, Paul hands Janelle another cheque for two million, and tells her that the offer stands until tomorrow. Paul leaves and Janelle tells her son that she thinks they should buy half of Colac and get out of there! Oh, Janelle do you know nothing?? Location, location, location.
Erinsborough Hospital where the Officer Heard Everything
Steiger is setting up the camera for the interview, and tells Katya he knows she had a visit from Ned last night – the officer outside her room “topped the academy hearing test”. If she gets his drift; and by the look on her face, she doesn't just get his drift, she's almost drowning in it.
Susan arrives with a homeless vagrant by the name of Karl, and Steiger tells that by doing this interview, a deal with the police isn't out of the question, and Katya could avoid jail.
Steiger states that the interview is taking place on Thursday 25th January.
Stephanie's Space where Janae is Oh So Grown Up
Janae is picking fleas off of Harvey. Two things to point out. One – if you pick a flea off an animal, don't just throw it on the floor. You can't kill fleas between your fingers; you have to put them in a cup of water until they drown, or squash them between your nails. I don't recommend the latter. And two – it is so unlikely that you'd find a flea on a dog with that much hair unless he was absolutely covered in them, so that's a bit disturbing. I might have to call the RSPCA.
Max arrives home for Steph, and Janae advises that Steph's out at the garage, Boyd's at a school tute, and Ned's out somewhere else – no-one seems to know where.
Janae reminds Max that he hasn't just been beamed back as if nothing ever happened. And what's really hilarious about that line is that at that exact moment, the camera stays still on Max at an angle which makes his ears look pointed. And he looks like Spock who may well have been beamed back into the house and I crack up laughing. But apparently it's a serious moment, so I try and pay some attention. Janae tells Max that Steph's avoiding him, Ned is treading on egg shells, and Boyd is too scared to say anything in case he runs off again.
JANAE: Steph might be happy to have you back but if you think that things are just going to go back to the way they were then you need a serious reality check.
You go girl. Janae also suggests that Max should be grateful to Toadie.
MAX: For putting the moves on my wife?
JANAE: No, for making her smile again when you just up and left her. For risking his life to save her.
Janae tells Max that she's on Toadie's side because she wants what he wants: for Steph and Charlie to be happy again. She says that she's for whatever's best for this family.
Janae so rocks.
Harry's House where Lou Remembers
Victoria Beckham Rachel is sitting on the sofa flicking through TV channels. Lolly asks to be excused from the table where she, Harry and Lou are eating. She sits with Rach and they comment that their parents think they'll have so much in common just because they're the same age. Lolly asks who Katya is and why she's having a police interview, and Rachel tells her, mentioning that her sister was beaten up.
LOLLY: Oh, cool!
RACH: What? That's not cool, she could go to jail.
Now *that's* cool.
Scott's at the door for Rach, and she introduces him to Louise. Stingray tells his girlfriend that he can't stay, as he has to go see Toadie, but he'll see her tomorrow, “after we've seen Satan.”
Scotty leaves and Lou suddenly realises – Louise is bound to bring home some pimply-faced boys now she's living here, isn't she??! Lou remembers what he was like when he was a kid.
HARRY: Lolly is a very sensible young girl who's got a very good set of standards.
LOU: That's true.
HARRY: And even in these licentious times, I don't think there's any teenage boy who could hold a candle to the moral decrepitude of a teenage Louis Carpenter.
LOU: (pleased) Ah! You think so?!
HARRY: Ah, no – Lou, that wasn't a compliment.
Lovely to hear some references of Harry and Lou's past. It's all been quite neighbourly recently.
Erinsborough Hospital where Janelle Rocks Muchly
Steiger tells Kat she did well in her interview, as he packs up the camera tripod. Steiger reminds VagrantKarl™ that Kat will have full police protection until they go to trial, and there's always the witness protection programme if necessary, to keep her safe from Frank Tampoli. Katya looks upset but doesn't say one line in that scene.
Steiger leaves the room and hands the tape to his Constable. He sees Janelle arrive, and is thrilled to see her, and can't resist telling her:
STEIGER: Frank Tampoli's butt is mine!
JANELLE: And you can just get your hands off this one, thank you very much!
JANELLE: I should have known it'd be a work thing. Wouldn't want your copper buddies thinking that you actually liked me.
JANELLE: You know, you don't have to explain. You are ashamed of being seen with me.
STEIGER: That is not true! I just want you to appreciate the need for discretion.
JANELLE: And why would that be? Because my kids have records?
STEIGER: It has nothing to do with that.
JANELLE: Yeah, yeah. Whatever, Steiger. I don't care. But until every cop in Erinsborough knows that I'm your squeeze, you get nothing. How d'you like them apples?
Janelle strops off and a guitar starts playing.
The Scarlet Bar where we hear the Naked Truth
Max is serving at the bar and Janae asks him how it's going. She apologises for sounding a bit brutal before, and Max says she probably needs to be – he has been burying his head in the sand a bit. Janae advises Max to be careful with Boyd, who doesn't seem to realise that Steph needs some time with this. Max agrees to talk to him – his priority now is family for the next three weeks. After that he has to go to court. Janae didn't realise.
Max turns to an imaginary customer and asks how he can help.
Cut to Dylan and Carmella at a table – with Elle entering TSB in the background. Carmy agrees to advise Dylan on his girlfriend problems as long as he stops pestering her about Will. What?? They've been talking all this time? But Elle appears – has she interrupted anything?
CARMELLA: No. Dylan was just begging me for help. He wants to get back together with you. I told him I'd help him out if he'd stop pestering me about Will.
CARMELLA: It's called honesty. You guys should try it sometime.
Dyl admits that it's true, and wants to know what he has to do to get back with Elle.
ELLE: Nude up. At tomorrow's Board Meeting with dad. Turn up naked and I'm yours.
DYLAN: Yeah, right!
ELLE: I'm serious. It's nude or it's nothing.
The Lassiters Complex where it's Australia Day. Apparently.
There's a marching band a-marching. Flag wavers a-waving. And Karl and Susan gazing at each other which is dead cute. Just a shame she's wearing that hideous, giant-collared, tent-like cream jacket.
Harold arrives with baby Kerry, Lolly and Carmella.
The band continues to march, and we see that Steiger's leading it. Harry admits to being a little jealous that he's not up there with them. Karl asks if the girls are enjoying it and they couldn't sound less enthusiastic if they tried. Lolly's interest is suddenly perked when she sees Scotty arriving, along with Janelle and Dylan, all suited up. Janelle's hair looks just gorgeous, and she notices Steiger leading the band.
JANELLE: Oh, look. He can blow as well as suck.
They Timminses turn to see Paul limping into Lassiters, accompanied by Elle.
SCOTT: Worst. Bloke. Ever.
See?? Rating him less than Satan again. Excellent. Dylan tells his mother that he'll catch up with them – he has to quickly go do something – and Lolly creeps up to say hi to Scott. Boo! Hiss! He tells her he has to go to a meeting, and she looks all forlorn and downcast. Hurrah!
Everyone suddenly cheers as the band stop playing, and some extras wave some pompoms in true cheerleading style which looks odd because they're not cheerleaders and they look anything but happy. That's probably because it looks like it's about 9 degrees Celsius out there at the moment.
Steiger approaches the microphone and thanks the crowd for being there.
STEIGER: This next one's a special dedication to a member of the audience to let her know that I don't wanna waltz with any other jumbutz (?) but her. And I don't care who knows it!
ALEC SKINNER: Big softie.
STEIGER: Janelle Beryl Timmins – this one's for you!!
The band strike up Waltzing Matilda. Aw. Janelle smiles all coyly and prettily.
Paul's Palace of Lassiters where he is So Outnumbered
PAUL: If there is a greater crime against music than the Brass Band I've yet to hear it.
Paul comments that he knows that the bogans will take the cash, but he doesn't know how Will is going to react, now that Carmella knows about his two per cent stake. Elle whips out a very nice looking silver Apple laptop.
Janelle, Janae and Scotty arrive.
PAUL: Oh, and about time! Ten o'clock means ten o'clock.
JANELLE: As if you didn't just get here.
ELLE: Where's Dylan?
PAUL: Look, enough of the pleasantries. If you could just sign here and here – because I would hate to take up any more of your valuable time.
JANELLE: This is what I think of your offer.
Janelle tears up the cheque in true millionaire style. Scott and Janae cheer her on.
JANELLE: And if you ever try and bribe me again, you'll be singing in the soprano section.
Now, *that* would be a greater crime against music than the Brass Band. Can you imagine Stefan singing ‘Don't It Make You Feel Good' in a soprano? No. I wouldn't try, either. That song doesn't make you feel good in *any* key.
Janelle hands out an agenda.
JANELLE: Now. Item number one. Funding for a statue for the complex of yours truly. All in favour say ‘aye'.
JANELLE: Aye. Those against.
PAUL: (resigned) Nay.
ELLE: Mr Trooper sent votes in favour. He believes the hotel should support local artists.
JANELLE: Hear hear. Notion passed. Item number two…
But we never get to hear what item two might or might not have been, because Dylan enters, stark naked, with a jacket thrown oh so casually over his shoulder. Elle is utterly thrilled to see him there and knows he loves her.
DYLAN: The air con's up a bit high in here, don't you reckon?
PAUL: Oh, you people are just animals. Go on, get out of here all of you. Get out!!
JANELLE: You're outnumbered peg leg. If you don't like what you see, then you get out.
ELLE: Sorry, dad.
Paul strops off, and Janelle doesn't think this day could get any better.
JANELLE: Oh, Romeo, put some pants on!
Lassiters Complex where it's all Kissy Kissy Bang Bang
Paul is stropping out of Lassiters, peg leg and all, when he glances at Skinner who nods at him. Ooooh! Something's going on there.
Scotty comes out the meeting and runs into Lolly, saying he has to go see Rach. Carmella can see that Lolly is bored and offers to take her shopping with her and Elle. Susie and Karl walks past, just in time to overhear Lolly tell Carmella that she has money to spend at the shops.
Steiger sees Janelle pass Karl and Susan on her way out, and runs to her. They banter about his playing, then he asks if she'll give him a kiss.
JANELLE: I'd love to, but you're in uniform. I don't want to get you into trouble.
STEIGER: I love a bit of trouble!
He kisses her, and Karl and Susie-Q stare on, all loved up. Max stops behind them, gobsmacked that Janelle is kissing a copper. Dylan and Elle walk by and Dyl pretends to throw up at seeing his mother with Allan. Elle tells Carmy she has to bail on the shopping – she has some catching up to do with her man! Elle reminds Carmella to go and find Will, before leaving.
Paul's Place where Elle has got her Common Sense Back
Elle and Dylan kiss their way into the house, halfway up the stairs. They don't manage to get right up the stairs, which is fortunate because the set actually ends there; unfortunately Paul comes in and angrily orders Dylan out, immediately. Elle tells him she'll be over to his place in a minute.
Paul tells Elle that he's furious she undermined him in the meeting by staying with her boyfriend when he left. She tells him that Dylan surprised her, and she loves him for it – he makes her happy. Paul thinks she can do a million times better than that.
ELLE: Being happy? Dad, there is nothing wrong with it. Take a look around – the people on this street that are happy are the ones that actually like each other.
PAUL: No, no, no. We are not like the people on the street. We're better than them because we are Robinsons.
ELLE: Dylan is waiting for me.
Livid, she leaves. Paul is left, angry and fuming.
Ramsay Street where I overuse the word Cute
The camera starts on the bin belonging to number 24 which has been knocked down, its contents all over the pavement. It pans to Karl and Susie, walking down the street, arms around each other in that cute ‘hey, we're married' way. Susie's wearing that divine black skirt she has (but almost never wears) and boots. Karl is wearing a red jumper that might as well have been dragged through a hedge backwards. It's like she's just shopped in Monsoon, and he fell out of a skip parked behind Asda.
Susan tells him that she thinks Steiger's tribute to Janelle was lovely, but Karl disagrees. Unfortunately at this point the camera angle changes and it's clearly two different takes because Karl's arm suddenly moves from being across his chest to down by his side. But I'll let that one slide because they just look too cute together.
SUSAN: When was the last time you serenaded me?
KARL: You hate me singing to you!
SUSAN: True. But, but…but it's the thought that counts.
KARL: Oh! C…
SUSAN: No! You spend more time singing to those rotten chooks than you do to me!
KARL: Well at least they applaud.
They notice the bin and the rubbish strewn across the ground – and Karl's wallet. Susan says it doesn't mean that Lolly took it, and Karl realises that the money's gone. He decides to go and find out – promising Susan he'll be subtle about it.
No, really. He can do subtle. He can.
Harry's House where it's just all great, hon
The only person I have my eyes on at this point is Carmella who has clearly never held a young baby before. You need two arms for that?? One will do. She looks like she might drop her any second and is clearly uncomfortable. But the point is that Louise is showing her a father the top she bought when shopping.
There's a knock at the door and it's Susan and Karl, wandering in from the previous scene to say hi. Hi! VagrantKarl™ tells Harry that one of his bins has been turned over, and makes faces at Louise who looks nervous. Harry thinks the whole bin thing is a nuisance.
KARL: (weakly) Yes, it's Australia Day, after all, not Clean Up Australia day…
SUSAN: (awkward) Oh, Karl…
Harold offers the Kennedys some tea, and Karl barges past Susan to accept and sits himself down rather comfortably on the sofa.
KARL: Yes. We're not in any hurry, are we, hon?
SUSAN: Guess not, *hon*.
Karl slaps his wallet on the table and Lolly awkwardly smiles and offers to help Uncle Harold make the tea.
Lassiters where Paul just got lower than the lowest thing that lives on the lowest place on this Earth
Paul sits in his car, ominously waiting. Who is he waiting for? Gail, who he's secretly been dating since she supposedly returned to Tazzy? Katya, to give him details of a stolen car before she gets jailed for life?? A dodgy businessman who wants Paul dead?? A scriptwriter, checking up on the bad characterisation??
No. It's Alec Skinner.
Paul tells Skinner that he wants someone taken down, and he'll be paid well. He hands him a note.
SKINNER: You've gotta be kidding.
PAUL: Does this face look like it's kidding?
SKINNER: You want me to frame Steiger's girlfriend?
Run, Janelle! Run for your life!!!!!
Dum dum dum!!