Janelle suggesting Steiger take her out on a date; Steiger declining politely.
Sky asking Stingray to be her pretend partner at her work do; Stingray declining.
Zeke telling Karl and Susan that Katya's run away.
Paul telling Will that he knows he's lying to Carmella – and he has no problems telling Carmella that.
“Aaaaahhh…” (don't you just wish they'd update the theme tune?)
Note – Karl and Susan back together in the credits. Two long, long years…
Sky is holding PretendKerry™, whilst Dylan and Carmella are playing with baby toys. Harold is hunting for Willow – he's fond of him, and he's nowhere to be found. Carmella reminds him that all cats come home eventually. Dylan passes Sky nappies, as she places PretendKerry™ in her carry seat. Will comes home and Carmella is instantly in his arms. Puke. She's booked dinner with her mother next week for them, and actually she'd quite like to meet Will's parents. He's not keen at all, and lies that his parents are about to set off around Australia tomorrow for six months at least, so they won't be able to come to a dinner with Carmella's mother.
Will seems reluctant to introduce his new girlfriend to his family, and Carmella's worried that he's embarrassed about them – or her. Backed into a corner he agrees to call them and see if they can make lunch today.
Susan is leaving a message on Katya's voicemail, begging her to call them and talk. She does that hand on her neck/chest thing she does when she's worried, and assures Katya that she can ring her any time on her mobile. I will her to remind Katya of her mobile number, so I can't test it for myself – you know, make sure the line is working. But she doesn't. Damn. If Katya doesn't call home, Susan concedes that she will have to call the police, and she doesn't want to do that.
Susan feels horrible for giving Katya an ultimatum. But Karl – who is also wearing a blue top and who seems to have reverted back to his early 1997 personality (a good thing) – reassures his wife that it needed to be done, and tries to get her mind off it.
KARL: Come on, you've got your mobile, you need a distraction. How about we get back to nature?
SUSAN: Is this going to end up with me naked, in public?
KARL: If you're lucky.
He tells her that there's a backyard sustainability fair on at Lassiters, and he thinks they should check it out.
KARL: I've been reading up about this and I think some of these environmentalists have got some good points.
SUSAN: Oh. These are the same people you usually refer to as ferals.
KARL: That was in my younger days; I've matured, now. I'm open to different perspectives.
SUSAN: Well you're certainly full of surprises, I'll give you that.
KARL: Well then. To market to market. Jiggity-jig.
What's the betting they come home again, home again with a fat pig?
The Scarlet Bar
Ben Lawson has a great comedy face. And Frazer is placing a $300 bet on a horse. Ned watches in the background. One assumes he is watching with a degree of curiosity, but with the lack of facial expression it's pretty hard to tell. Will approaches Ned and apologises for him losing his job; Ned barely responds, but then that's pretty normal. Will's phone rings and he answers it:
WILL: Hi, Selma. Thanks so much for doing this…
He walks off and Ned approaches Frazer, asking him questions about his betting – how does it work and does he enjoy it? He'd like to hang around with Frazer for the day, if that's okay.
FRAZER: No whining, no moping, no talking unless I ask you a direct question. Got it?
FRAZER: That was a direct question, Ned.
NED: Right. I got it.
I doubt that very much.
Dylan, Sky and Stingray – you know, three people who hated each other in one way or another last year – are happily chatting away about Steph and Toadie's relationship:
STINGRAY: Is that even allowed?
There's a knock at the door, and as Scott goes to answer it, Janelle *flies* out of the bathroom in nothing but a green towel, her hair and make-up all nicely done and frizzled. It's Allan.
JANELLE: Ah! Senior Sergeant! You caught me a little off-guard…
STEIGER: (rolling his eyes) We had a report of a prowler at this address.
JANELLE: Oh! It was awful! I was in the bath, nothing on but the radio.
STEIGER: Did you get a good look at this guy?
JANELLE: No, but he sure copped an eyeful of me.
STEIGER: You do know that making false police reports is against the law?
JANELLE: (coy) Well, I can assure you, there's *nothing* false around here.
*cue gratuitous cleavage shot*
JANELLE: He was tall. (pause) Handsome. (pause) With the most piercing blue eyes, looked straight through me.
STEIGER: Fine! I'll take you out! If only to stop you trying to get my attention by breaking the law.
He says he'll pick up her up after he goes home to change.
Janelle flies back into the bathroom, and Dylan and Scott look as if they might be sick. Sky thinks they could be the perfect match…
The Scarlet Bar
Will and Carmella are waiting for Will's ‘mother' to arrive. He tells her his dad can't make it as he's still packing. Selma arrives and hugs Will, chastising him for being too thing. She plays the charming mother, thrilled to meet Carmella, and tells her she's gorgeous. Carmella inadvertently comments on the likeness between Will and Selma – they're so alike!
Anyway, Selma prattles on about the holiday and packing a tent – which Will adds is for the hiking – and they get onto the subject of Will as a young child. Selma tells a lovely little story of when Will was six, and they beam at each other in a charming manner across the table as Will goes to get drinks.
Sky and Stingray are talking about the work function, worried that people won't believe they're together. Dylan agrees that no-one will believe it, either. There's a knock at the door:
JANELLE: If that's Steiger tell him I'll be out in a jiffy.
DYLAN: I'm not letting him in.
Sky answers the door, then goes to help Janelle with something. The boys, with their backs to the camera, face Steiger. Who looks terrified.
DYLAN and SCOTT: Allan.
DYLAN: What have you got planned for this afternoon?
STEIGER: Well, I thought we might go for a walk in the…
SCOTT: Then what?
STEIGER: A bar in the city, maybe a drink…
STEIGER: Just downtown…
SCOTT: How are you gonna get there?
STEIGER: I've got a car, it's unmarked…
DYLAN: You're gonna drink and drive with our mother in the car?
STEIGER: One…one drink…I promise…… Orange juice.
SCOTT: What time are you gonna have her home?
STEIGER: At a reasonable hour…before nine…
Sky is giving Janelle her opinion on how she looks, and tells her to relax. Janelle's worried that everything will go wrong, but Sky suggests that everything might go right…
Out by the pool, Frazer is wearing a suit for no reason. He is on the phone, placing more bets. Ned brings out drinks and asks how Frazer does this without losing too much money – whenever Ned places a bet, he loses.
Frazer tells him he hasn't done his homework; every morning he's at the races, talking to the jockeys, looking at the horses…
NED: And the suit?
FRAZER: I look sharp, I feel sharp. If I go round in trackies I feel like a loser.
(Ned looks down at his trackies, resigned.)
FRAZER: Oh, no, it's alright for you. You're a personal trainer.
Ah. So now I know.
Ned asks what he should bet on this afternoon if he wants to make money. Frazer gives him a tip – but tells him to make better coffee next time.
Karl has purchase some backyard sustainability goods, and Susan asks him where he got all those 50c pieces from. It's hard to hear the answer, but it sounds like he nicked them from something Zeke was saving up for.
KARL: Oooh. Somebody's chuffing on the magic dragon around here.
SUSAN: It's patchouli.
KARL: It reminds me of our days in Carlton.
SUSAN: You hated the hippies at uni.
So, the University of Wexham is based in Carlton, Melbourne? Nice to have that little gap filled in. I'll add it to my Karl and Susan mental timeline. The Kennedys run into Harold and RealKerry™; Karl dashes off to the information stall, whilst Susan coos over the baby, asking if she has a cold. Harold replies that she has a little sniffle, and that sometimes when he sees her, he sees *his* Kerry looking back at him. Susan retorts that his Kerry would feel right at home here, wouldn't she??
So I'm guessing from that that Harold must have told Susan all about Kerry, or there's no way she'd know what Kerry would like. Karl rushes back with brochures, handing them to Susan as he rushes off to find a compost stall.
HAROLD: He really is involved, eh? I suppose he's got more time, now.
SUSAN: Yeah, but Harold – how many mid-life crises can one man have?
You know? Something tells me that there are a few more to come, Susie-doll. So nice to see Harold and Susan spending more time together again, remembering those friendships.
Although I still maintain that he owes her an apology.
Sky and Stingray are at the work do, and Scott is going down a treat with Sky's colleagues. One extra even got a speaking part, although he's not credited at the end. Lucky him.
Sky suggests he pay her a little more attention so it looks like they're together. Scott admits that it's nice he can relax around people without needing a drink, and Sky's just pleased she got him out of his Ali G gear. Scott admits he's worried his mother's date – what happens if she goes bouncing back to Kimbo like she usually does? Sky thinks a bit of ‘police force' isn't a bad thing!
Scott asks where Rowan is, and if Sky actually really likes him? Because if she does, she will have to tell him about Kerry sometime. She retorts that her priority isn't romance, it's looking after Kerry and earning some money. Scott pulls her into a hug and pretends to be her boyfriend.
Steiger and Janelle are looking round, but Janelle isn't impressed with his choice of first date.
STEIGER: Keep an open mind, Timmins, you never know what you might enjoy.
JANELLE: Oooh. You devil.
Steiger spots two guys as he walks past and eyes them suspiciously.
Cut to Karl joining Susan on the bench, which has once again been moved for the convenience of filming. Karl comments that the people here are wonderful, and Susan thinks he has a sarcastic punchline coming, but he really doesn't.
KARL: The bloke over there lives off ten dollars a week. Ten dollars. Grows his own veggies, recycles his water. He even sells his excess solar power back to the grid. He can make money living this way.
Susan claps her hands around Karl's face with her fingers spread open and:
SUSAN: Finally!!! Finally, I understand your excitement!!!
She rubs her fingers together to show that Karl's interested in this because it can save him money, the miser. He assures her it's about saving the environment, so she humours him.
KARL: It's about communing with nature, living off the land, setting your clock by the sun. And if you make a little money along the way, what's wrong with that?
KARL: I reckon we can have our place completely sustainable within two months.
Susan gasps very loudly and pretends to get excited by waving her hands around her face. Karl snatches his brochures off her and reads them, whilst she just laughs into his shoulder. Cuteness.
Cut back to Janelle and Steiger, the former making faces as she passes people she thinks are freaky. She is furious to see Steiger on the phone, calling work because he's seen people who are drug dealing.
JANELLE: The cops!!! The jacks are here!!! Get out!!!!
The guys scarper, and Steiger is furious – they've been after those guys for three months!! Harry, Karl and Susan all stare at the commotion.
JANELLE: Is this what you call a good time?
STEIGER: I was just trying to kill two birds with one stone.
JANELLE: Oh, so, like, I'm bird now?
Steiger apologises, and he says he'll take her out for a drink. That appeases her a little, and she looks more pleased with that.
Cut to Janelle and Steiger wandering into a bar, and my oh my, if it isn't the bar that Scott and Sky are also at. Steiger goes to get drinks, and on spotting her son, Janelle demands that he leave. He says he can't – and he was here first. So his mother should leave. Janelle strops off.
At the bar, Steiger is on the phone again – he's spotted someone they've been looking for for a while!
Sky approaches Stingray – everyone think that he's her brother. No-one thinks they're together. So Scott kisses her instead. Immediately, as if on a director's cue, the supporting actors all whistle and gape and gasp. You know, as if kissing has never been seen in public before.
Harold is packing stuff into his car, and Karl and Susan begin to pack stuff into theirs. Susan asks Harry if he's taking Kerry back to her mum, but Harold says no – it's important Sky has time to herself as she's still young. Karl comments that the best thing about being a grandparent is giving the kids back. Susan hits him.
Seeing Ian with a baby really is the cutest thing – he's so big and she's so tiny. It looks so cute.
Susan's cooing over Kerry (why does she never ask if she can hold her?), and Harry goes to put her in the car, but he does his back in as he bends over. Karl and Susan wonder if he's taken on too much, looking after the baby like this. Harold says it's the highlight of his day – and begs them not to tell Sky. She needs to feel confident that he can look after his granddaughter. The Kennedys agree. Harold stands up straight.
HARRY: Good as new.
Karl and Susan exchange a look.
Ned is listening to a race on the radio. He's getting excited about his horse who appears to be winning. Despite his voice being slightly raised and the fact that he jumps into the air when it wins, his face displays no changes whatsoever. Karl and Susan come in looking rather bemused.
Ned tells the Kennedys that he has a reason to be happy – his horse just came in. Then a very odd thing happens. Karl says. “Woooow!!!! Was it a hundred to one?!!!!!!!” At the same time Susan says “Oooohhhhh!!!! Wooooowwwwww!!!” As if neither of them have ever heard of horse racing or winning before.
Ned tells them he won $1000, and they can't believe that at three to one he bet more than three hundred dollars on a horse. Ned tells them he has to get on – he has another horse to bet on. Susan wonders if he should quite whilst he's ahead. Ned pays no attention as they tell him that they're leaving some organic fruit and veg for Steph.
The Scarlet Bar
Sadly we end up back at the burnt crust of our overcooked bread roll as we return to Carmella and Will's lunch with Selma – who is still oh so charmingly telling stories about Will's childhood. Carmy loves hearing the stories, but Selma has to leave. They all hug, and FakeMother disappears. Carmella tells Will she doesn't know what he was worried about – his mother is lovely. She wishes she could have met his dad, though. Will tells her he just wants to make her happy.
Ned is putting on a suit. And then it gets worse. He puts his hand to his face and pretends to make a phonecall to a friend at a betting agency.
The Scarlet Bar
The Kennedys are perched at a table, Susan staring at her phone. She tells Karl she knows she should call the police. Dylan overhears and asks what's happened. They both quickly deny anything and everything.
KARL: We're, we're….we're trying to think of a band where the lead singer is a bass player..
SUSAN: ...yes, the Police, yes…
DYLAN: Ah! Well, don't forget…Thin Lizzie!
KARL: Right –
SUSAN: Ah –
DYLAN: And Suzi Quatro.
SUSAN: Yes. Suzi…
KARL: Well done…good…
Cut to another table when Frazer is grilling Carmella – sadly not literally – on information about Rosie. He wants to know her favourite fragrance, designer labels etc. Carmella didn't know about the dating competition, so Frazer tells her about it. Carmella immediately twigs that Pepper had something to do with this, and she strops off to talk to her sister.
Stingray jokingly insults Sky on her kissing. She insults him back by saying he needs mouthwash. In the corner, Janelle and Steiger settle for a drink, but a band of policemen turn up. Janelle's asking questions, but Steiger is paying no attention as he stares at the police commotion in the background; Janelle immediately realises that this is his doing…!
JANELLE: I'm not after some bozo who can't clock off.
STEIGER: I'm sorry! I only took you here because I didn't know where else to take ya.
JANELLE: You could have taken me anywhere.
STEIGER: I don't get out much. So I end up gravitating towards places I've been thinking about at work.
JANELLE: Well why don't you take me to somewhere you wanna go, somewhere off duty.
STEIGER: Yeah, right. Fancy pig shooting, do ya?
JANELLE: (excited) You go pig shooting?
JANELLE: Now that's what I call a date!
JANELLE: Are you kidding? When I was young I was almost on the cover of Playboar!
STEIGER: Timmins! Will you go pig-hunting with me?!
JANELLE: Oh, I thought you'd never ask!!
Selma and Will are talking – Selma says that Carmella clearly loves Will, and he'll end up hurting her if he doesn't tell her the truth. Selma says that the Sebastian she knows would never lie like this. Will hands her some cash – he knows his mum used to help her out from time to time and he wants to do the same. Carmella wanders in to overhear the rest of the conversation.
Selma takes the money and says that she hopes he knows what he's doing.