Piper is sitting in the back room of No.22.
PIPER: Hey, guys. So, guess where I am?
She pans the camera over the room.
PIPER: If you guessed back home with my mum, you guessed right! I'm living back home for a bit, but just, maybe temporarily...but it's all good, it's all cool because Tyler lives next door and Mum has actually given him a key.
She looks at the camera.
PIPER: I know, it's insane, it's a miracle is what it is. She's finally accepted us which is exciting and great for us. And for me and Tyler. Good vibes all round. Now that I'm back at home and I'm out of hopsital and my gross hospital food and Backpacker lentils, I was so excited to be, like, in a house with a fully- stocked fridge and to have amazing food! Turns out that my mum's forgot to go shopping. For about three months. So...all that was left in the pantry were these.
She holds up some cracker.
PIPER: Oh, sorry, and cat food! But I'm not that desperate. But the good news is, for you guys, I basically have to do an eating challenge.
She lines up her phone on stopwatch mode.
PIPER: The challenge is, you have to eat all of these in under a minute. I've Googled it and the rules are that you're not allowed water...that's pretty much the only rule. I don't think I'm going to be breaking any world records, but you never know, I might...I'm pretty hungry! I've got my stopwatch ready...that's in shot?
She looks at the viewfinder of her camera.
PIPER: It is? Yep, so I've got that ready...don't have a stopwatch because we live in 2017, so I'm going to use my phone. Here we go.
She leans over to start the stopwatch.
PIPER: Set...Go! Is it working? Yes.
She starts stuffing crackers in her mouth.
PIPER:(through a mouthful of crackers) This is impossible! It's like chewing gravel!
The video speeds through the rest of the minutes. Piper has six crackers in her mouth at one point!
PIPER: That was so much harder than I thought it would be. I always watching these and think, it's a cracker, mate! So hard! And the chewing, and the motion, I think I like, hurt my leg. And, like, the momentum of trying to get it down. Not worth it. Bad idea.
She looks at the camera.
PIPER: Hope you guys liked it! I really should have done a fashion tutorial. Fashion in the cast. How to spice up your hospital look. A black cast with a black boot and, like, a grey short will elongate my stump of a cast and leg right now. I'm only wearing one and it's great because you can use the other one to get attention when you need it. Like so. Let me just grab it.
She picks up a boot.
PIPER: Take spare Ugg boot.
She throws it over her shoulder.
PIPER: Sorry Mum. Speaking of mum...(shouts) Ma! The meatloaf!
PIPER: Get the attention that you need and crave. Also, great arm rest.
She shows her crutch to the camera.
PIPER: This is great for getting things...or again, getting attention, like hitting the door if I could reach it. Now it's dropped and I can't get it again. (Shouts) Mum! She's probably on the phone...or at work...I'm probably alone. Great!
She lift up the crutch then accidentally brings it down on her bad leg. She screams in agony.
PIPER: So, to finish off this shamble of a video, I've no idea what I'm going to title it...all over the place. I'm going to read out some comments from you guys. I have noticed that a lot of you are a) requesting ETCat and 2) asking, where's Pipes McGee and is he coming back for a cameo?
She pulls her hair across her face like a moustache.
PIPER: Today, in th golfing world, um, er...I saw a bloke tee off and the ball bounced into a tree and ricocheted into his nuts.
She drops her hair.
PIPER: OK, guys, thank you so much for watching today's video, hope you liked the eating, more relaxed, all over the place style of the video...like my weird fashion advice that you'll probably never use...I hope you don't *have* to use it. Please leave me a comment, I'm couch- bound and bored. And I'll be replying, maybe. That's all, guys,...