Piper is sitting up in a hospital bed.
PIPER: Question. Have you ever watched so much television that you actually forget that you're a real person and you live in the real world?
She squints at the camera.
PIPER: You know what I mean?
She leans back.
PIPER: Or, my personal favourite, is that you're lying with your laptop, and it dies, and you're confronted with what you've become on the black screen? Like, mirroring? Sidetrack. There is so much good stuff out at the moment! Season two of 'Love', Season five of 'Homeland', 'This American Life', 'The 100' - amazing. 'Transparent', got Paige on to that. If you've watched any of those, comment down below.
She points downwards.
PIPER: I've been watching too much TV at the moment, so I've decided that I need to think for myself...I've decided to make a video about having a positive outlook, a positive spin on being stuck here in this hospital. So I will be giving you 13 Reasons Why...
She grins at the camera.
PIPER: ...being stuck in this hospital bed ain't so bad.
Caption: PIPE UP
PIPER: Number 1. Believe it or not, this place isn't actually Party Central. There are no bongos at 4am, there's no such thing as Tequila Tuesday, I don't have to wear headphones to sleep unless...shhh...Mavis is snoring, from the room next door to me. Mavis, if you're watching...
PIPER: If Mavis has a YouTube channel...
She giggles more.
PIPER: Bless. No, but it's great, it's silent. Number 2. I get to wear pyjamas *all the time*. And, I don't have to hawk- eye, like, watch all my clothes being washed in the washing machine just in case Antonio from Italy takes a shining to Tyler's hoodie. Number 3. I get to eat all the custard and jelly I want! And, I have a little bell to summon the nurse to get me more. The power's going to my head!
She laughs again.
PIPER: Number 4. I don't have to label my food so dirty backpackers don't eat my food. Gone are the days of me making kind but firm messages to stick on my food. Like, 'Piper's...please don't eat'. And when that inevitably doesn't work, leaving passive- aggressive notes like, 'Don't kill my mood by eating my food'. 'If you eat my bread, I will hit you on the head'. 'If you eat my grub, you are a scrub'...hyphen, you are a scrubber...it doesn't *have* to rhyme, it's ideal if it does, but as long as it gets the messages across.
She looks at the camera.
PIPER: Number 5. It's very unlikely that my sister will make trippy tea here. Unless you go into Mavis's bedroom.
She giggles again.
PIPER: I'm kidding! Number 6. Um...it's safe, it's pretty safe here. I mean, I was living on a mezzanine with no walls or a door, so anyone could come in and go through my stuff, so yeah, that's a perk. Number 6. No- one can go through my stuff here. Number 7. My mum can visit me here! And Dad, haven't seen you. You haven't been visiting me between the scheduled regulated visiting hours of 8- 10 and 2- 4. How's Queensland? Hope you have a really nice tan.
She rolls her eyes a bit.
PIPER: Number 8. My friends can come and visit me now because they were also banned from coming to visit me. Cause of the whole tea thing that wasn't my fault. Being here is just annoying, it's just, you know what I mean? Like people are here and then they're like, 'What Kardashian would you marry?' My mum, 'Oh, darling, how are you, how are you feeling? How's your leg?' Um, broken, Mum, that's how my leg is. Excuse me, I'd have to send five thousand emails. You know what I mean? Imagine small talk for like, three hours.
She looks contrite.
PIPER: Oh, and I even got angry with Ty...which I feel really bad about. I know he's just trying to help, but he's trying to help in a *boy* way. He's trying to track down the guy that we think *might* be...*might* for legal reasons...might be responsible. And making sure that he's punished. And he's so fixated on it, he's like, Sherlock. I know he's trying to help and I snapped at him and I feel bad.
She shrinks in her bed a bit.
PIPER: And then he gave me this.
She holds up a stuffed cat and smiles.
PIPER: Clementine 2.0 because he couldn't get the real one in here. And I remembered that he was alright. Sure, he's a doofus, but he's *my* doofus. That's why he gets numbers 9- 13 because Tyler is so much more than one reason!
She smiles into the camera.
PIPER: Anyway, guys, that's all 13 Reasons Why Being Stuck In This Hospital Bed Ain't So Bad. Bye, guys! No, I Googled one...Sbogom...zbogom...Zbogom! zbogem? Zbogom? Zb...?