Piper is standing in the kitchen at the Coffee Shop.
PIPER: Hi, guys, welcome to this week's video. In my current living situation, where I wake up metres away from feral backpackers who only shower on Taco Tuesdays, I thought I'd shed some light on how I've been surviving these last few months. Without further ado, I welcome you to Piper's Life Hacks!
She holds up a sign with "Life Hacks" written on it.
Caption: PIPE UP (with music)
Piper shows a sandwich she has made for a customer to the camera.
PIPER: My first life hack. Sometimes you don't have money for food, so you have to be creative.
She removes a quarter of the customer's sandwich and pushes the other three quarters together. She then eats the quarter she has removed!
PIPER: (V.O.) Find other ways to get a bellyful. But I hear some of you saying, 'Piper, I don't work in a place where I can permanently borrow food and put it in my body!' This will require even more creativity.
Piper reads a law book.
PIPER:(V.O.) If you work in an office, you have to fill up on...knowledge.
Piper looks at the camera.
PIPER: Well, I really have eaten too much...knowledge.
Piper tries to open a jar.
PIPER:(V.O.) Science says that the human body can survive three weeks without food, and three days without water.
Piper looks at the camera.
PIPER: In this case, I believe Science...is lying! Because if I don't eat before midday I will literally eat the first thing I can find.
Piper tries to eat the "Life Hacks" sign.
PIPER:(V.O.) My next life hack is for washing your clothes. Do you often call a dishwasher a washing machine, and vice versa? Yeah, me neither. But, like, they practically do the same thing.
Piper puts her clothes into the over.
PIPER:(V.O.) Why spend upwards of three, four dollars at a laundromat when most people have access to a perfectly good oven.
Long shot of Piper.
PIPER:(V.O.) Did your thieving sister steal you expensive hair straightener? Don't get mad...
Cut to a closer shot of Piper.
PIPER: Get...a sandwich press. Now, you can get different types of sandwich presses. What you really want to find is a sandwich press that's flat. You know, you don't want, like, a jaffa one, got a bit of a crinkle action going. No- one wants a crimp, this isn't 2000.
Piper tries to put her hair into the sandwich press.
PIPER: You could put your whole head in, but I wouldn't recommend it, because you might melt off your ear. Put your hair in, or you can, like, ask your sister for your straightener back. If you want to be a strong independent woman, this also works...fine. Sizzling is a really good sign, it means it's, um, working...and...breakage is also good.
Cut to Piper talking on the phone.
PIPER:(V.O.) Do you have loved ones living overseas?
PIPER: Hi, Imogen, it's Piper!
PIPER:(V.O.) Don't use your precious data. Make all international phone calls at work.
PIPER: You know what I'm loving at the moment? Making international phone calls that are *free*.
Cut to another close up of Piper.
PIPER: My next life hack is a *serious* one because your health is a serious matter. Staying fit and healthy is important. And, if you're like me, a mother of four with two full- time jobs and a mother- in- law living in a granny flat out the back...
Cue shot of Piper pretending to look pregnant.
PIPER: ...you know that it's hard to find time to stay in shape.
Shot of Piper exercising.
PIPER: It's important you stay fit and healthy, you know, don't miss leg day, don't miss rest day, that's my motto. You know, that it's important to switch arms when you're holding the camera...
She switches arms repeatedly.
PIPER: ...because it gets *really* heavy. And you want to be well balanced in the arm muscles region.
She almost drops the camera.
PIPER: While we're on the subject of health, I never visit my doctor anymore. I mean, why would I when there are so many helpful 'diagnose me' websites on offer? Just last week I came down with chronic renal failure. I found out I was pregnant, and I contracted a deadly East African strain of the flu! I wouldn't have known any of that if I hadn't self- diagnosed myself on the net. Which didn't cost me anything, because...I was on free wifi! My local doctor tried to tell me that I was perfectly healthy.
She coughs loudly.
PIPER: Sounds to me like *someone* hasn't embraced the free information highway!
Piper leans in to the camera.
PIPER: Well, guys, that's it for this week's video. Please don't actually try any of these, because they're not life hacks, and I don't do them, they're rubbish, they'll probably end up taking more time and more money. Because you have to go to the hospital because they're not hacks. I'm a hack. I have to get back to work, poor Jenny! I will see you guys next week, catch you on the flip side, and if you haven't subscribed already, please subscribe to my channel! Bye!