Caption: The Queen of Erinsborough
Royal- sounding music plays.
Sheila is dressed in a posh blue dress and is looking into the camera with a Christmas tree in the background, much as the Queen does on Christmas Day at 3pm when she addresses the Commonwealth.
SHEILA:(regally) 2016 has been a year of ups and downs here in Erinsborough. A hotel blew up, and a hot air balloon came down, two tragic events that affected us all.
GARY: (coming in with presents) That's the last of the presents, Mum!
He looks up at the camera.
He slinks off.
SHEILA:(regally) On the world stage, there have been some interesting and intriguing elections. Australia fell to tenth on the Olympic medal tally. So it would be easy to feel as though there is nothing one can rely on anymore! Especially when one's son won't eat the Christmas roast one made for him.
GARY:(off- screen) It was a pigeon! I'm not eating a pigeon!
SHEILA: I told him it was a spatch- cock. It's French for "little chook".
GARY:(off- screen) Still looked like a pigeon!
SHEILA: I am not going to waste any more of my fifteen minute Jamie Oliver meals on him!
Gary comes into view.
GARY: If I'd known it was Jamie Oliver, I would have eaten it!
He disappears from view.
SHEILA: Christmas is a time to focus on family, and I am so grateful to have Gary, my son, with us this year after his...sabbatical serving at Her Majesty's pleasure. That's me! And you may also be re- uniting with loved ones...
GARY:(off- screen) Or not! As the the case may be.
SHEILA: ...I urge you all to make the most of it, no matter how annoying, pig- headed and downright ugly those relatives can be!
Gary comes back into shot.
GARY: Did you call me?
His face falls.
GARY: Oh. I might just...take a seat...
He sits down next to Sheila.
SHEILA: Gary...this was *my* Christmas message.
GARY: It's mine too, now...I'm your son.
He pushes his ears foward, pretending to be Prince Charles.
GARY:(fake British accent) Charlie!
Sheila just looks at him.
SHEILA: My grandson, Kyle, has moved to Germany with his interesting wife who blows a little hot and cold, but now I have a granddaughter Xanthe that I didn't even know I had last year!
GARY: She came as a surprise to me, too...when she was born!
SHEILA: As I was saying...last year I didn't know I had a grand- daughter...
GARY:(as Charles) I didn't know I owned a pack of Corgis...
SHEILA: But my grand- daughter's arrival has really made my life very interesting. Even though she's been suspended from school, she gave everyone in Erinsborough food poisoning, she came *this* closed to getting illegal plastic surgery, and then she ran off to the Gold Coast...oh, she has been a joy this year!
GARY:(as Charles) Absolutely!
SHEILA:(crossly) Is there anything else that you would like to add, Gary?
GARY: Er...yeah...Nomes and Kyles, if you're watching, make sure you come visit us next year...that's it.
SHEILA: Thank you, Gary. I don't think there's anything more to say except I would like to wish you a very, very...
GARY: HAPPY NEW YEAR!
GARY:(as Charles) Tally- ho!
SHEILA: A Merry Christmas to you all.
She scowls at Gary and slaps him on the arm.