PIPER: Hey guys, this is Piper! So weird...I never know how to start my videos! Hey...(laughs)...hey guys...so awkward...arghhh
CAPTION: PIPE UP
PIPER: So, lately I've been watching heaps of other YouTubers' "My First Time" videos. Shout out to my colleagues! They're really popular, heaps of them are doing them, like, um...lots of people do them, I just can't think of them! They've inspired me to do my own, so this week I will be doing a "My First Time" video. Obviously, this sounds like it could be really rude, or graphic...a massive over- share, but I *promise* you, it's nothing like that. Do not worry, it's not like that at all.
She grins at the camera.
PIPER:(playfully) Or is it? (She mumbles) ...but it might be...who knows?! You can keep watching it won't be...but don't watch it with your grandma! No, you can watch it with your grandma...whole fam! So, basically, I'm going to be covering all different Firsts in my life. And I got my friend Xanthe to write a list of everything that she thinks I should cover. So, I'm just going to be going off that...I haven't looked at it yet, Scout's Honour!
She gives the Scout salute.
PIPER: So, hopefully they're good...we'll see!
She looks at the list on her phone.
PIPER: The first one is...my first word.
PIPER: I'm pretty sure it was "Da- da". Boring, really basic, sorry, I wish I had a cool one for that. Look, wouldn't it be cool if I was, like, 'Feminism!','Ban Fossil Fuels!'...! Unfortunately, I wasn't a baby genius.
She looks back at the list on her phone.
PIPER: OK...my first pet. Alright, this is actually a really good story! My first pet...was a snail. I really wanted a dog or a cat...or the Jonas brothers! So, I went to the garden and I found a snail one day. I kept him, and I called him Slimy. Or her. I don't know, how do you tell if a snail's like...I'm going to Google it, hold on. Won't be long, just sit tight, make a cup of tea.
She reads a webpage on her phone and after a while, looks very surprised.
PIPER: OK, so...what?!? (Reading off her phone) Snails are hermaphrodites...meaning that they have both reproductive organs and both sexes on them!
Piper looks awed.
PIPER: Look at me, I was like, a little gender- fluid kid, loving from a young age! I loved my snail! What can I say?! I kept him in a shoe...him or her...they...in the shoe- box in my room, and I put the lid on it, and I put holes in it, and went to bed. What could go wrong?! I wake up, crime scene! He's escaped! And there was a silvery trail down the side of the box...and all round the bedroom...looking for Slimy everywhere...went to go and talk to mum, and Mum was like, 'Oh, darling, he probably went back in to the garden.'
She looks doubtful.
PIPER: Anyway, next question. My first celebrity crush! Easy! Joseph Gordon- Levitt. Everyone knows all the movies he's been in, but not many people know that he actually started this website called Hit Record...and it's a space where artists can collaborate, and like, re- mix each other's stuff, so...how cool's that?!
She looks back at the list on her phone and sighs.
PIPER: My first kiss...(she groans)...ohhhh do I have to?! Oh, it was just *so* bad.
She approaches the camera as if going to kiss it (imitating her childhood kiss)
PIPER: Ohhh, it's happening...close your eyes, no wait! I won't be able to see where I'm going! Open! No! Close! No!
She purses her lips.
PIPER: Open! His name was Caleb...it happened at a Year 7 dance. So lame! All the teachers came over and, like, broke us up...oh it was so bad! I, like, cringe thinking about it now. Not because of Caleb, like, he was a...fine guy, and he was super- good at skateboarding!
She puts her hair over her eyes and holds a skateboard.
PIPER:(as Caleb) Hey...I'm Caleb.
She puts down the skateboard.
PIPER: That's not really what Caleb was like, he was more like this.
She holds the skateboard again.
PIPER:(as Caleb). Hey...Caleb...
She does a thumbs up.
PIPER:(as Caleb) I just kissed Piper! With my eyes open!
She flings her hair around.
PIPER: OK...my first concert. I wish I had, like, a cool one, but it was Lady Gaga. So, I saw her with my host family, in Canada. The whole family, like, we piled into the mini- van together, and like...saw it...
She does not look very enthusiastic.
PIPER: I'm not saying that I don't like Lady Gaga...I mean, I know that she watches my channel(!) Um...hey Stephanie!
She makes a peace sign at the camera, but gets it the wrong way round!
PIPER:(whispers at the camera) She doesn't watch my channel.
She sits back.
PIPER: My first job...so, this is actually quite the tale! So, my first job was at a fruit and veg shop. My boss would *always* tell me off for stacking the bananas wrong. How can you stack bananas wrong?! Literally, a monkey could do it! Apparently there's a wrong way to stack bananas, and I was doing it the wrong way.
A bunch of bananas appears on her head.
PIPER: Someone had bought a fennel...and I didn't know what a fennel looked like, so I was like, what is this?! And had to go down the back and be like, what's the vegetable that looks like a bagpipe? And everyone was looking at me, like...
She mimes her colleagues looking confused.
PIPER: I didn't last long there! Not the best job, glad I'm not working there anymore!
She looks at the list on her phone.
PIPER: This is going to be the last one...my First YouTube Video!
PIPER: It was *way* before I started doing Pipe Up. It was a video of me doing...actually, you know what? I'm going to do it for you.
We cut to a side view of Piper wiggling her ears.
PIPER: No music! Just that...for ten minutes. Guess how many views that got?! Seven. OK, so that's it for another week, thank you for watching this video, if you guys are new to my channel hit the Subscribe button, I make new videos every week, and for my loyal subscribers, thank you so much for watching, and thank you to those who commented on the previous video of me and Xanthe...who commented supporting Melbourne...you guys are the *real* MVPs...but yeah, until next week...Zaijian!