We open on an empty sofa in the back room of No.22. Suddenly Piper comes in to view, wearing a Hallowe'en mask.
She laughs and takes off the mask.
PIPER: Did that scare you?
Caption: PIPE UP (with an evil laugh)
PIPER: Hey, guys! Sorry if you got a fright! And don't do jump- scare comments down below, it needs to be a surprise! Normally, for Hallowe'en, I do a Hallowe'en vlog and show you what I'm up to and whatnot... So, that little prank I did...was my attempt to get into the Hallowe'en spirit, because...I'm just not *in* it this year.
She throws the mask over her shoulder.
PIPER: I had that Canadian Hallowe'en experience which was *awesome* and it totally fulfilled all my expectations of what "Hallowe'en" in the movies looks like. Um...but yeah, I'm just...I don't know what it is, but I'm just not feeling Hallowe'en this year.
She looks confused.
PIPER: I don't know...comment down below...is that normal as you get older? Hallowe'en just doesn't...something's changed. And I think it's purely because of what's happened this past year...um...death just doesn't feel like something I want to celebrate. Yeah.
There is a long pause.
PIPER: There are other things happening that's probably contributing to this funk that I'm in. You don't know who they are, but I'm not going to name names anyway. So, my neighbours are trying out surrogacy so they can have a kid, which I think is *amazing*.
Cut to Piper standing over a pram, shouting at a baby.
PIPER: Shhh, pipe down, Frank!
She rocks the pram, roughly.
She drags the pram out of shot, then comes back to the sofa.
PIPER: But get this, our local priest is against it because he thinks that the only way people can have babies is "naturally".
She looks disparaging.
PIPER: I'm all for people having their own beliefs and living their lives and whatever, but...you shouldn't judge other people for *their* choices. Especially if you're their friend...if you're their friend, you should be supporting them.
She holds her hands above her head.
PIPER: We're a *community*!
She puts her hands back down.
PIPER: I just...I don't see how people can see that it's *wrong*. As long as they're good parents, and they're in a house full of love...I mean, look at me, I was conceived the natural way and look at *my* family! We have the most messed- up family, and that what families are! Families *are* messed up! Once you're born into this world, everyone's the same. I'm having, like, an epiphany, as I'm doing this vlog!
She thinks further on what she's trying to say.
PIPER: You know what I'm trying to say, though, like, I don't look at Ben and be, like, oh, yeah, you're a test tube baby! Doesn't matter how people are brought into this world because once you're here, you're here. And you're alive. You know?
She waves her hands about.
PIPER: Byron Bay thoughts. This is a Full 20!
PIPER: Anyway...it's Melbourne Cup time here at the moment. I don't gamble because, have you met me? I lose everything! I'm not lucky *at all*. I don't need any more risky behaviour in *my* life! I'm like a grandma.
She raises her leg.
PIPER: I'm wearing pyjama pants right now everyone, OK, I'm a grandma! I can't gamble. No luck.
She holds up a pair of binoculars and pretends to be at the Melbourne Cup.
PIPER: Oh, yeah! Yes, yes, yes...yes! Oh...he fell.
She puts the binoculars on her head.
PIPER: So when you're gambling or taking risks, you want to make sure that the odds are in *your* favour. Otherwise, some random outsider's going to come along and snatch up the trophy! And you're going to have to take the other one out the back. Feed him some oats and shoot him in the head. Did they even deserve the trophy? Or were they just in the right place at the right time? Were they...in a race that they were already going to win? Because it was an easy race?
She starts out of her reverie.
PIPER: No, not like an *easy* race...they were just going to win it because there were, like, no other horses on the track. Why aren't there more horses?!
The binoculars disappear from her head.
PIPER: Cool, that's all from me this week, guys, thank you so much to everyone who commented their awkward stories and conversations on last week's videos in the comments...they were all *hilarious* and who knows, I might make a special video about them one day. Anyway guys, I'll see you next week, if you're new to my channel, hit the 'Subscribe' button.
She holds up a flashing pumpkin.
PIPER:(scary voice) SUBSCRIBE!
She puts down the pumpkin and waves.
PIPER: Toodle- oo, guv'nor!
She turns off the camera.